The" Explosion " Entry
Date: 2.16.04
Climate: cold enough to sting when you're standing outside, lost in like, Pilsen.
Eating: cold noodles
Drinking: water
Feeling: enraged and sad simulatenously
Listening to: my mom and dad...just like they taught me, awww
Watching: news
Reading: Chicago Social magazine
Today was one of the worst days I have ever had since I was born.
This is primarily due to the fact that it started as one of the best...since I have graduated, at least.
I awoke refreshed and excited: today marked one of my final days of training at Holmes Place, and on Wednesday, the marathon work day of five am till nine pm is set to begin...and I am really happy. I'll actually be making money and will be happily satisfying myself and my parents.
I got up, sun shining, got into car. Drove to SEIU/Acorn offices--dropped off two voter registration forms. Took the train to Holmes Place. Trained from 12-4, chatted with Stephanie for a bit, and got back on the train to get to my car.
My car...
was dead.
Nothing.
Signal #1 that the day from hell was upon me.
I get the car jumped, and drive it to a dealer in Elmhurst, on the corner of York and Roosevelt. Traffic is horrible and I am driving extra slowly because my car now begins to overheat...even though it is filled with antifreeze. I cannot get it to go above forty without overheating or appearing to overheat. YOu can imagine how people treat that type of driving on the Eisenhower.
Meanwhile, the motor mount is shot on my engine, so its shaking. All the time...and it sorta feels like it may just plain drop ("mmmm, drop!"....sorry--it was just too easy) out and onto the tar below me.
As I prepare to change lanes on 290, I feel a SHOVE from the back of me. My head goes flying forward and I hit the steering wheel.
The car behind me squeels out from behind me.
I slam into the car in front of me.
I get out.
They get out.
We scream at the car driving ahead.
NO damage on either of our cars, but we get insurance info anyway.
My head is throbbing, my neck is pulsating and sore, and I merge back into traffic.
I figure i have ten to fifteen minutes to get to the dealership.
My car meanwhile didn't take that whiplash well, on top of the additional crap that is going on under the hood, so the temperature gauge has now crept back into the orange area, and I start to sorta half cry, half panic...should I get off? How? Traffic's getting worse...should I slow down? What if that means I get hit again? I can't believe I just got in an accident...my parents will kill me...what the hell is going on with my car? What if it blows up on the highway? That can happen if its overheating, right? Ohmygod, ohmygod.
I honestly thought I was going to die. Seriously. I don't know if any one has ever seen their car reach that point where every light possible is flashing and the temperature gauge is on the "H" so that you can't read the letter but its really frightening. Especially when cars are whizzing by you at 80 mph.
I slow down to nearly a crawl as I merge onto Roosevelt. The gauge moves back center, and I breathe out for the first time in like fifteen minutes.
I exit onto North York.
Drive towards the giant Chevy sign.
Blink.
Blink twice.
The fucking dealership is...vacant.
NO cars in the lot.
Nothing but that big, fucking, misleading sign.
I panic. I call my parents.
I call information. Get the number for the closest Chevy dealer.
Call them...creep along as traffic gets progressively worse and the temperature gauge gets closer to the death color (orange, like terror alert.)--
Guy in Comcast truck thinks its a game...starts to mimic my movements in my car and winks and smiles at me. He's sorta cute. I forget that I am in a death trap for about ten seconds, then the flashing light show on my dash reminds me and I slow down to lose him.
No distractions...although had I known how the night was going to end up, I would have like flashed him to get him to follow me. He could have been useful later on, but human time prediction is, for all practical purposes, still impossible. Damnit.
I get to the dealership and park.
I walk inside, talk to the guy I spoke with prior over the phone. Tells me it will cost 100 dollars to just look at it and tell me whats wrong.
Fine, whatever, just tell me so that I can not drive in a death trap/
I get back in my car.
It refuses to start. It makes a low, scratching noise that I have never ever heard...except for maybe the nightmares in my deepest darkest memories of dreams.
My car...it starts to smell like a fire.
I run inside, get mechanic man.
He comes out. Does the same thing BUT makes face and noise, signaling that this "isn't good."
Opens hood...says only this: "Well, the one thing I can tell you is that you blew a head gasket. I can't say what else is wrong but there's your cooling problem. This thing is leaking anti freeze."
He puts a tag on it.
I go inside, fill out paper work which feels like forever...he tells me he can't even look at it til tomorrow (even though they're open till two am?), and that I should come back tomorrow ("in what?" was all I could think of).
I call my boyfriend.
He...isn't picking up his phone.
I call Enterprise...they closed thirty minutes ago. Great.
I call Julie.
I call Stephanie.
I call Matt.
I call Rob (even though there was no way he could have feasibly come to my aid)
I call my parents.
I cry.
I stand outside dealership and walk for seemingly miles in the cold to the Glen Ellyn Metra station. I just missed the train--think its on Elmhurst schedule so I don't realize until later that i have another hour to wait.
I call my boyfriend again.
Now the phone is off.
The fuck?
I cry harder, because now I know he's seen my missed calls and listened to my message and just ignored it.
I get cold, and go inside starbucks and drink coffee.
I call Stephanie and we talk. She makes no offer, however, to come help. She just clucks her tongue and tells me what a horrible mess this is and how she can't believe Eddie isn't helping.
So...
She helps me figure out the train schedule issue. I really do appreciate that, because at this point, I feel incredibly alone.
I call my boyfriend one more time.
Still, nothing. Phone is off.
I get on the train.
Proceed to cry the entire way, up to the point that the conducter feels really bad and makes special effort to say hi and ask how I am doing at each stop (there's like eight).
Get off the train.
Call my boyfriend's house.
Leave a message.
Call my parents.
Walk six blocks in the cold and dark to the Clinton blue line.
Get on the Blue line.
Ride it until Western.
Get off and realize I have no idea where I am.
Forgot the blue line splits.
I can't read anything; its all in Spanish. I ask two men where the highway is and they laugh at me and say something in said language that I don't understand.
Get hollered at outside a bar in, what else, Spanish.
Get lost for ten minutes.
Boyfriend's mother calls (thank god). Tells me he has been in a horribly bad mood since last night and is asleep.
Now I am sick with worry that he's getting sick again and feel guilty for being angry at him. Yet feel angry still.
Walk back to the El station in god know's where. Realize the mistake I made and start cursing myself and my existence.
Wait ten long minutes (I timed it) for another train to take me back to transfer blue lines.
Get to Racine, wait for literally twenty minutes (again, I timed it. Four trains went by in the opposite direction by the time mine arrived) in the cold for a Forest Park blue line.
Take it to Western.
Walk ten to fifteen blocks home. Shit it's cold.
Cry intermittently, talk to my mom, and worry and fret about what the hell I am going to do...
I'll be honest. I don't have the money I anticipate this will cost, bottom line. We're talking in the low thousands of dollars with a head gasket. motor mount. rental car costs. what have you.
My parents are out on whether to "invest" more money in this car but they tell me they aren't in a position to buy me another one if this one isn't worth it. YOu know, becvause of all the other things like medical bills from both my parents bouts with cancer and you know, life support...more things that have made my life so full and interesting. I wonder what else could be next. As does my mom. Even she acknowledges that life so far has been a new description of struggle.
Then I get angry because I remember that I work in the projects and stuff is really bad there, and I feel spoiled and bratty but still really sad and alone.
Parents tells me we'll have to rent a car for awhile while this gets sorted out. That costs around 40 bucks a day///we're seeing if our insurance covers it.
Anticipate calling my supervisior tomorrow and telling him about this and how I can't work until I get the rental, and feel nauseous. He's going to be so pissed. I hope I don' t lose my status because of this.
:::
So now its sit and process time....and really, the real reasons I was such a basket case tonight had to do with more than just my car in its literal sense...
A) The sheer one after another after another style of the car-hatred. What else could have happened BESIDES an explosion? And my neck really does hurt still. Fuck whiplash. But i have never flown forward like that. Ever. Except for like carnival rides.
B) What the fuck was going on with my boyfriend? Um. I've been there for him, and when I needed him (I was like fucking five blocks away from his house), he's MIA. Who listens to a message with me like telling him all this and just says to himself "I'll deal with this tomorrow, goodnight" and shuts off his phone? I thought a more immediate reaction would be "oh, wow, I hope she's okay. I wonder what I could do seeing as she's in GLEN ELLYN and ALONE and Upset?" I understand he's sad, or something, but...I don' tknow. Now I am also worried about his health.
C) I felt like I had no one, really...my parents were so far away. My friends were busy, which is fine but I just///I don't know. No one called to like check on how I was doing. No one really cares, you know why? Because this crap ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME...its like "oh Cherie. This stuff always happens to you. I can't handle it, you'll be fine, good luck, etc."
As if it makes it easier for me to do it on my own. Constantly. I don't know if I know of anyone else who is as "alone" as I feel, all the goddamned time.
I understand when people get overwhelmed but I was incredibly upset and confused and scared tonight--and I mean, my friends seem to alway sbe able to make time for like, boyfriend issues...other friend's issues... and I literally had no one--NO ONE--to just come and for lack of a better word, emotionally hug me. Physically hug me would have been nice if the appropriate person could have dug themselves out of their hole for a few minutes...
D) I finally feel like I have my feet on the ground with these two jobs, and I was just so goddamned bright eyed to show my parents how much I could still be successful even though i've been struggling...and now, something goes and happens that puts it all in jeapordy. I wanted SO MUCH to prove to my parents that I could do this; that I am doing this, and now this crappy day has just thrown my plans to the wind. Perhaps the bigger issue is that everytime I feel like I get ahead, something out of my control happens to screw it all up. And I just don't know what to do...I really do feel like the forces above and below are working against me all of the time. And that is an issue that -- if anyone really knows me-- can trace back to fucking high school.
E) The thing with my boyfriend really hurt.
So tomorrow is another day. I honestly == knock on wood== don't even want to know what could happen to make it worse. I am just going to try to remain positive.
I will wake up early. walk to the fucking train. Go to the Club and work out like a mad woman, and swim and sit in the steam room to remove any more negative toxins.
I will walk into work and tell them straight up whats going on and if they fire me, well, what can I do? I don't have a car right now, or the money to pay for the repairs.
I will take the train to Glen Ellyn, NOT make the mistake on counting on boyfriend/friends for help/rides...and walk to the dealership/
I will sit there all day if I have to as I try to sort out what I will do to fix this all.
The thing is, I don't want anyone, not even one specific person, to come to my rescue persay, and pat me on the head as though I am a child and magically fix it all while I do nothing... Its just, sometimes it'd be nice if somone would just stop and say hey, what can I do? This is hard and I want to help.
It made me think of Craig, scarily. How I just always wanted him to act like how I did, and now i See that its not really Craig. Its me. I just do too much for people who do too little for me, and when it starts to downward spiral like I felt tonight, and no one is there, I begin to question myself. Whats wrong with me? Why am I always so quick to drop everything to help my friends, while no one has ever done that for me, not even my boyfriends? Does anyone do that? Why do I? What compells me to do that?
Maybe its because I always feel I do that for everyone else..and even though everyone else may not need that, or if they deal with it differently, at least its there. I just wish I had the luxury of turning it down, you know?
Mat called me twice. Earlier, and that was when he offered to come and pick me up at ten after he got off. It didn't matter that it was ten when he could, it was that he called me back and told me that he felt back...that he wanted to do more...He just called again to check to make sure I was okay/and ask if I needed anything.
Its funny. I guess thats all I needed.
Date: 2.16.04
Climate: cold enough to sting when you're standing outside, lost in like, Pilsen.
Eating: cold noodles
Drinking: water
Feeling: enraged and sad simulatenously
Listening to: my mom and dad...just like they taught me, awww
Watching: news
Reading: Chicago Social magazine
Today was one of the worst days I have ever had since I was born.
This is primarily due to the fact that it started as one of the best...since I have graduated, at least.
I awoke refreshed and excited: today marked one of my final days of training at Holmes Place, and on Wednesday, the marathon work day of five am till nine pm is set to begin...and I am really happy. I'll actually be making money and will be happily satisfying myself and my parents.
I got up, sun shining, got into car. Drove to SEIU/Acorn offices--dropped off two voter registration forms. Took the train to Holmes Place. Trained from 12-4, chatted with Stephanie for a bit, and got back on the train to get to my car.
My car...
was dead.
Nothing.
Signal #1 that the day from hell was upon me.
I get the car jumped, and drive it to a dealer in Elmhurst, on the corner of York and Roosevelt. Traffic is horrible and I am driving extra slowly because my car now begins to overheat...even though it is filled with antifreeze. I cannot get it to go above forty without overheating or appearing to overheat. YOu can imagine how people treat that type of driving on the Eisenhower.
Meanwhile, the motor mount is shot on my engine, so its shaking. All the time...and it sorta feels like it may just plain drop ("mmmm, drop!"....sorry--it was just too easy) out and onto the tar below me.
As I prepare to change lanes on 290, I feel a SHOVE from the back of me. My head goes flying forward and I hit the steering wheel.
The car behind me squeels out from behind me.
I slam into the car in front of me.
I get out.
They get out.
We scream at the car driving ahead.
NO damage on either of our cars, but we get insurance info anyway.
My head is throbbing, my neck is pulsating and sore, and I merge back into traffic.
I figure i have ten to fifteen minutes to get to the dealership.
My car meanwhile didn't take that whiplash well, on top of the additional crap that is going on under the hood, so the temperature gauge has now crept back into the orange area, and I start to sorta half cry, half panic...should I get off? How? Traffic's getting worse...should I slow down? What if that means I get hit again? I can't believe I just got in an accident...my parents will kill me...what the hell is going on with my car? What if it blows up on the highway? That can happen if its overheating, right? Ohmygod, ohmygod.
I honestly thought I was going to die. Seriously. I don't know if any one has ever seen their car reach that point where every light possible is flashing and the temperature gauge is on the "H" so that you can't read the letter but its really frightening. Especially when cars are whizzing by you at 80 mph.
I slow down to nearly a crawl as I merge onto Roosevelt. The gauge moves back center, and I breathe out for the first time in like fifteen minutes.
I exit onto North York.
Drive towards the giant Chevy sign.
Blink.
Blink twice.
The fucking dealership is...vacant.
NO cars in the lot.
Nothing but that big, fucking, misleading sign.
I panic. I call my parents.
I call information. Get the number for the closest Chevy dealer.
Call them...creep along as traffic gets progressively worse and the temperature gauge gets closer to the death color (orange, like terror alert.)--
Guy in Comcast truck thinks its a game...starts to mimic my movements in my car and winks and smiles at me. He's sorta cute. I forget that I am in a death trap for about ten seconds, then the flashing light show on my dash reminds me and I slow down to lose him.
No distractions...although had I known how the night was going to end up, I would have like flashed him to get him to follow me. He could have been useful later on, but human time prediction is, for all practical purposes, still impossible. Damnit.
I get to the dealership and park.
I walk inside, talk to the guy I spoke with prior over the phone. Tells me it will cost 100 dollars to just look at it and tell me whats wrong.
Fine, whatever, just tell me so that I can not drive in a death trap/
I get back in my car.
It refuses to start. It makes a low, scratching noise that I have never ever heard...except for maybe the nightmares in my deepest darkest memories of dreams.
My car...it starts to smell like a fire.
I run inside, get mechanic man.
He comes out. Does the same thing BUT makes face and noise, signaling that this "isn't good."
Opens hood...says only this: "Well, the one thing I can tell you is that you blew a head gasket. I can't say what else is wrong but there's your cooling problem. This thing is leaking anti freeze."
He puts a tag on it.
I go inside, fill out paper work which feels like forever...he tells me he can't even look at it til tomorrow (even though they're open till two am?), and that I should come back tomorrow ("in what?" was all I could think of).
I call my boyfriend.
He...isn't picking up his phone.
I call Enterprise...they closed thirty minutes ago. Great.
I call Julie.
I call Stephanie.
I call Matt.
I call Rob (even though there was no way he could have feasibly come to my aid)
I call my parents.
I cry.
I stand outside dealership and walk for seemingly miles in the cold to the Glen Ellyn Metra station. I just missed the train--think its on Elmhurst schedule so I don't realize until later that i have another hour to wait.
I call my boyfriend again.
Now the phone is off.
The fuck?
I cry harder, because now I know he's seen my missed calls and listened to my message and just ignored it.
I get cold, and go inside starbucks and drink coffee.
I call Stephanie and we talk. She makes no offer, however, to come help. She just clucks her tongue and tells me what a horrible mess this is and how she can't believe Eddie isn't helping.
So...
She helps me figure out the train schedule issue. I really do appreciate that, because at this point, I feel incredibly alone.
I call my boyfriend one more time.
Still, nothing. Phone is off.
I get on the train.
Proceed to cry the entire way, up to the point that the conducter feels really bad and makes special effort to say hi and ask how I am doing at each stop (there's like eight).
Get off the train.
Call my boyfriend's house.
Leave a message.
Call my parents.
Walk six blocks in the cold and dark to the Clinton blue line.
Get on the Blue line.
Ride it until Western.
Get off and realize I have no idea where I am.
Forgot the blue line splits.
I can't read anything; its all in Spanish. I ask two men where the highway is and they laugh at me and say something in said language that I don't understand.
Get hollered at outside a bar in, what else, Spanish.
Get lost for ten minutes.
Boyfriend's mother calls (thank god). Tells me he has been in a horribly bad mood since last night and is asleep.
Now I am sick with worry that he's getting sick again and feel guilty for being angry at him. Yet feel angry still.
Walk back to the El station in god know's where. Realize the mistake I made and start cursing myself and my existence.
Wait ten long minutes (I timed it) for another train to take me back to transfer blue lines.
Get to Racine, wait for literally twenty minutes (again, I timed it. Four trains went by in the opposite direction by the time mine arrived) in the cold for a Forest Park blue line.
Take it to Western.
Walk ten to fifteen blocks home. Shit it's cold.
Cry intermittently, talk to my mom, and worry and fret about what the hell I am going to do...
I'll be honest. I don't have the money I anticipate this will cost, bottom line. We're talking in the low thousands of dollars with a head gasket. motor mount. rental car costs. what have you.
My parents are out on whether to "invest" more money in this car but they tell me they aren't in a position to buy me another one if this one isn't worth it. YOu know, becvause of all the other things like medical bills from both my parents bouts with cancer and you know, life support...more things that have made my life so full and interesting. I wonder what else could be next. As does my mom. Even she acknowledges that life so far has been a new description of struggle.
Then I get angry because I remember that I work in the projects and stuff is really bad there, and I feel spoiled and bratty but still really sad and alone.
Parents tells me we'll have to rent a car for awhile while this gets sorted out. That costs around 40 bucks a day///we're seeing if our insurance covers it.
Anticipate calling my supervisior tomorrow and telling him about this and how I can't work until I get the rental, and feel nauseous. He's going to be so pissed. I hope I don' t lose my status because of this.
:::
So now its sit and process time....and really, the real reasons I was such a basket case tonight had to do with more than just my car in its literal sense...
A) The sheer one after another after another style of the car-hatred. What else could have happened BESIDES an explosion? And my neck really does hurt still. Fuck whiplash. But i have never flown forward like that. Ever. Except for like carnival rides.
B) What the fuck was going on with my boyfriend? Um. I've been there for him, and when I needed him (I was like fucking five blocks away from his house), he's MIA. Who listens to a message with me like telling him all this and just says to himself "I'll deal with this tomorrow, goodnight" and shuts off his phone? I thought a more immediate reaction would be "oh, wow, I hope she's okay. I wonder what I could do seeing as she's in GLEN ELLYN and ALONE and Upset?" I understand he's sad, or something, but...I don' tknow. Now I am also worried about his health.
C) I felt like I had no one, really...my parents were so far away. My friends were busy, which is fine but I just///I don't know. No one called to like check on how I was doing. No one really cares, you know why? Because this crap ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME...its like "oh Cherie. This stuff always happens to you. I can't handle it, you'll be fine, good luck, etc."
As if it makes it easier for me to do it on my own. Constantly. I don't know if I know of anyone else who is as "alone" as I feel, all the goddamned time.
I understand when people get overwhelmed but I was incredibly upset and confused and scared tonight--and I mean, my friends seem to alway sbe able to make time for like, boyfriend issues...other friend's issues... and I literally had no one--NO ONE--to just come and for lack of a better word, emotionally hug me. Physically hug me would have been nice if the appropriate person could have dug themselves out of their hole for a few minutes...
D) I finally feel like I have my feet on the ground with these two jobs, and I was just so goddamned bright eyed to show my parents how much I could still be successful even though i've been struggling...and now, something goes and happens that puts it all in jeapordy. I wanted SO MUCH to prove to my parents that I could do this; that I am doing this, and now this crappy day has just thrown my plans to the wind. Perhaps the bigger issue is that everytime I feel like I get ahead, something out of my control happens to screw it all up. And I just don't know what to do...I really do feel like the forces above and below are working against me all of the time. And that is an issue that -- if anyone really knows me-- can trace back to fucking high school.
E) The thing with my boyfriend really hurt.
So tomorrow is another day. I honestly == knock on wood== don't even want to know what could happen to make it worse. I am just going to try to remain positive.
I will wake up early. walk to the fucking train. Go to the Club and work out like a mad woman, and swim and sit in the steam room to remove any more negative toxins.
I will walk into work and tell them straight up whats going on and if they fire me, well, what can I do? I don't have a car right now, or the money to pay for the repairs.
I will take the train to Glen Ellyn, NOT make the mistake on counting on boyfriend/friends for help/rides...and walk to the dealership/
I will sit there all day if I have to as I try to sort out what I will do to fix this all.
The thing is, I don't want anyone, not even one specific person, to come to my rescue persay, and pat me on the head as though I am a child and magically fix it all while I do nothing... Its just, sometimes it'd be nice if somone would just stop and say hey, what can I do? This is hard and I want to help.
It made me think of Craig, scarily. How I just always wanted him to act like how I did, and now i See that its not really Craig. Its me. I just do too much for people who do too little for me, and when it starts to downward spiral like I felt tonight, and no one is there, I begin to question myself. Whats wrong with me? Why am I always so quick to drop everything to help my friends, while no one has ever done that for me, not even my boyfriends? Does anyone do that? Why do I? What compells me to do that?
Maybe its because I always feel I do that for everyone else..and even though everyone else may not need that, or if they deal with it differently, at least its there. I just wish I had the luxury of turning it down, you know?
Mat called me twice. Earlier, and that was when he offered to come and pick me up at ten after he got off. It didn't matter that it was ten when he could, it was that he called me back and told me that he felt back...that he wanted to do more...He just called again to check to make sure I was okay/and ask if I needed anything.
Its funny. I guess thats all I needed.