The reality of my sadness or confusion as of late seems to have finally shown itself. Perhaps it was when I was IMing Jliz that I realized that, no, it is not normal to visualize a gray mushroom cloud outside your tiny apartment building and imagine what you would do. The options I have weighed are, in no particular order: 1. Flee from the building and attempt to, foolishly, outrun the nuclear terror that has been unleashed. 2. Hide under covers of bed and pray. 3. Call Eduardo. 4. Call my parents. 5. Jump from the window to die a death of epic proportions - massive head trauma and nuclear carnage.
No, these thoughts aren't normal, esp if they occur right before I fall asleep. Truth be told, it takes about a 1/4 a bottle of Nyquil to knock myself out be/c my mind is literally spinning from the moment my alarm goes off to when the Nyquil kicks in.
Its not just nuclear war that I ponder, and the personal afflictions thereof. Its also a very strong frustration with the conflicts in the Middle East and more specifically, the Israel-Palestine terror that has just now taken a more dramatic turn - and I love how the US just doesn't quite know what to say when our beloved and highly promoted form of governmental rule, aka "democracy," elects a terrorist government. I know die hard liberals are making jokes that its not unlike our last few elections putting Mr Bush in the Whitehouse, but it poses the questions of what it means to be a "terrorist" (basic questions I know) and what it means to negotiate with them. From the history I have read, neither Israel nor Palestine has anything really to be proud of in this conflict, but Yassar Arafat's death seemed to open up the possibility of peace talks, at least...I haven't read everything but from what I have read, Arafat wasn't the best proponent of peace between the two. Abhas seemed to be inching towards it and now, well, more riots over the democratic election of, what some say, a legitimate and hell-bent on ridding the world of the state of Israel, government.
Perhaps the problem is that I don't have any answers and feel so out of touch with this conversation. What I see and read on the news is obviously not the whole truth. I don't know what is anymore.
Of course, if it isn't this or the mushroom cloud thoughts, its the inevitable baby-marriage race that nearly all of my friends have taken to participate in - and my mother just can't seem to let go of the fantasy. You would think that having a long term relationship (3 years in May) with a person who I love more than anything would be enough, but it isn't, or so it seems.
I need to work this crap out before I start law school this fall or otherwise, it'll just be a huge f-ing mess. I will either forget about it and say that everything is "fine" be/c I have a heavy course load and everyone knows your first year is the hardest, or i'll dwell on it and become neglectful.
Fun stuff. I really need to go out and have a drink - maybe 12, heavy on the vodka. Be/c that seems to be the only thing that allow me some mental freedom.
And to think that none of my therapists ever recommended medication - even upon my request.
No, these thoughts aren't normal, esp if they occur right before I fall asleep. Truth be told, it takes about a 1/4 a bottle of Nyquil to knock myself out be/c my mind is literally spinning from the moment my alarm goes off to when the Nyquil kicks in.
Its not just nuclear war that I ponder, and the personal afflictions thereof. Its also a very strong frustration with the conflicts in the Middle East and more specifically, the Israel-Palestine terror that has just now taken a more dramatic turn - and I love how the US just doesn't quite know what to say when our beloved and highly promoted form of governmental rule, aka "democracy," elects a terrorist government. I know die hard liberals are making jokes that its not unlike our last few elections putting Mr Bush in the Whitehouse, but it poses the questions of what it means to be a "terrorist" (basic questions I know) and what it means to negotiate with them. From the history I have read, neither Israel nor Palestine has anything really to be proud of in this conflict, but Yassar Arafat's death seemed to open up the possibility of peace talks, at least...I haven't read everything but from what I have read, Arafat wasn't the best proponent of peace between the two. Abhas seemed to be inching towards it and now, well, more riots over the democratic election of, what some say, a legitimate and hell-bent on ridding the world of the state of Israel, government.
Perhaps the problem is that I don't have any answers and feel so out of touch with this conversation. What I see and read on the news is obviously not the whole truth. I don't know what is anymore.
Of course, if it isn't this or the mushroom cloud thoughts, its the inevitable baby-marriage race that nearly all of my friends have taken to participate in - and my mother just can't seem to let go of the fantasy. You would think that having a long term relationship (3 years in May) with a person who I love more than anything would be enough, but it isn't, or so it seems.
I need to work this crap out before I start law school this fall or otherwise, it'll just be a huge f-ing mess. I will either forget about it and say that everything is "fine" be/c I have a heavy course load and everyone knows your first year is the hardest, or i'll dwell on it and become neglectful.
Fun stuff. I really need to go out and have a drink - maybe 12, heavy on the vodka. Be/c that seems to be the only thing that allow me some mental freedom.
And to think that none of my therapists ever recommended medication - even upon my request.