From Jliz, a Television fiend
THE OC version 2.0
Its funny...to me at least, and any other random, avid watcher who knows what this writer is talking about:)
---written by the always witty writers from televisionwithoutpity--
"We open with Seth and Ryan peering out over the pier as Seth suggests possible baby names. He lands on "Thor," because it's a strong name and "no one's gonna mess with Thor." But somehow I think if Seth's name were Thor, he'd have gotten messed with even more. Ryan, clearly not yet into the name-picking, unenthusiastically thanks him, and Seth moves on to proposing "Seth" for the baby: "Although at Camp Takaho, I was often referred to as a girl, so I guess it works either way."
Ryan plaintively asks Seth to stop with the name game, and Seth --always the wordsmith -- apologizes that the discussion is "premature." He proposes that Theresa might not even be pregnant because of the possibility that Ryan "shoot[s] blanks." That doesn't make Ryan feel any better. Seth agrees not to "kid," and then stumbles on the "unfortunate choice of word." He stops himself before further beLABORing the point because there's nothing funny about Ryan's predicament, PERIOD, and no one should have the MISTAKEN CONCEPTION that there is. Ryan narrates that they don't even know if the kid is Ryan's: why is no one paying more attention to that fact? In short, he's willing to sacrifice his entire new life to help Theresa based entirely on the assumption that the baby might be his? Seth insists that they don't even know if there is a kid: "How much faith can you put in a pee swab?" Ryan tells him not to say "swab."
So far on The O.C., characters have been advised not to say the words "swab," "pee," "pool house," "underpants," and some other words that I'm having a hard time tracking down. But the point is: they use that line a lot. Seth is amazed that Ryan Atwood made a joke, albeit a thoroughly worn-out one. Ryan responds that he's got to keep his sense of humor, a sentiment with which Seth commiserates, since he's spent so much time stuffed in a locker with his shoes full of the water polo team's urine. He jokes that having Ryan around has made him soft; with no one picking on him, Seth's had no need for the "Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger." Maybe if Ryan stuck around just a little longer, Seth would also have no need for the "Seth Cohen talks about himself in the third person" tendency. Theresa emerges from the clinic, looking unhappy. For some reason, this causes Ryan to look hopeful. Ryan should know by now that he was not meant to look hopeful.
At
The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, Kirsten stomps around the kitchen and rants into the phone about Caleb's hatred of cilantro.
Sandy jazzes into the kitchen (and there's really no better description for how Peter Gallagher enters a room than "jazzes") and snarks, "Somebody get me some cilantro!" Hee. Kirsten continues raging into the phone that Caleb also won't have colored lights at his wedding -- he'll have all white lights. I've always been a fan of the colored lights, but I'm not sure even the biggest fan of colored lights has them at his/her wedding.
Kirsten adds that colored lights remind Caleb of a carnival, and that he "hates carnies." It kind of makes me wonder what happened in Caleb's life to engender such an avowed hatred of all members of the carnival community. Did he get lost in a fun house? Did his wallet fly out of his pocket on the swings? Did a clown poke fun at his bald spot? Sandy's all, "Note to self: hang with carnies." There's a fourth-season episode for you.
Kirsten hangs up, announcing that the wedding rehearsal is now confirmed, which means the wedding is actually happening.
Have these people never seen a television show before? A wedding rehearsal is absolutely no indicator that a wedding will actually take place. Sandy snits, "Never have two people deserved each other more," while Kirsten expresses disbelief that Caleb will be walking down the aisle with a black eye. I'm a little disappointed that Hailey apparently couldn't even get in a punch, because a bride and groom with matching shiners would have been quite stylish. Sandy backstories that the black eye came from Jimmy, and grumbles that had he punched Caleb, the result would have been a more satisfying broken nose. Kirsten asks what the odds are that Sandy and Caleb will make up before the wedding, and Sandy's all, "Not. Good. At all." When Kirsten wheedles that it's important to her -- "A daughter wants her father to be happy on his wedding day" -- Sandy says he though
t it was supposed to be the other way around. Kirsten commences with groveling, begging, neck-nuzzling, and licking to wear Sandy down into submission. Sandy holds out, complaining that Caleb sabotaged his restaurant and committed fraud! Sandy can't possibly forgive him! Smoochy-sounding kisses follow. (I only hear the sounds because I cover my eyes; much as I love Kirsten and Sandy and think they have great chemistry, the smoochy sound effects gross me out every time.) It works for Sandy, though, who admits that he could pretend to forgive Caleb; he offers to apologize through crossed fingers.
Seth, Ryan, and Theresa file into the kitchen, Seth groaning at his parents' mackage. When Sandy asks why they're not at school, Ryan explains that they were at the doctor's office. And alarmed Kirsten asks if everything is okay, and Seth shrugs that they're fine until Theresa pipes up, "I'm pregnant." Seth's all, "Except for that."
At this revelation, Sandy's eyebrows become so concerned that they make him suddenly appeared cross-eyed. But that's not much coming from me, since I see crossed eyes in about half of the population. (Britney Spears, I'm looking at you.)
And, tinkling. (The best tinkling ever, by the way, since we were entirely spared any Marissa in the entire teaser.)
Oh, but here she is now. We join Marissa and Ryan at the Harbor School, as she concludes that Theresa's pregnancy is official, and then snoops over who the father is. If Ryan knew or wanted to share that information, wouldn't he have already done so? Instead of telling her to shut it, he explains that paternity tests aren't done until after birth because it's too dangerous. Marissa doesn't care what's dangerous to other people, though! She cares what affects her! She presses Ryan as to the chances that the baby is his, and in response he implores that he and Marissa were broken up when he slept with Theresa. We've already been subjected elsewhere and ad nauseum to the whole "on a break" thing, so I'm hoping it doesn't go any further than this conversation. Marissa "right"s and "totally"s her equanimity at the situation, but then snits that they were only broken up for a week. And whose fault was that again? He apologizes and wishes he could take back the sex with Theresa; he
then asks if she wants to break up because he'll understand. Marissa doesn't think he has a choice, since if he's the baby's father, he has certain obligations to Theresa.
Ryan declares that while he wants to help Theresa, he also wants things to work out with Marissa. She smiles, all, "He wants me! Of course he wants me! Who wouldn't want me? Because I'm me!"
Elsewhere at the Harbor School, Seth manically insists on a decaf coffee because otherwise he'll be up for days. Summer tells him she's freaking out about her best friend, and Seth's all, "Princess Sparkle's freaking out?" Summer delivers a perfect "Marissa, dumb-ass." Seth responds that he gets confused, because Marissa and Princess Sparkle both have very shiny hair. And I was just thinking in the last scene that Marissa was looking rather coltish. Not to mention that she and Princess Sparkle have equal capacity to deal emotionally. When Summer asks how Seth can joke, he explains that he's not "equipped" to process this information. Summer whines that Marissa has to live with "Lucifer and Julie Cooper," although we've only in passing heard Summer mildly complain about her own less-than-wonderful home life because her own home life is not what's important.
What's important is that everyone is focused on Marissa! In response to the "Lucifer and Julie Cooper" line, Seth jokes that he's always gotten those two confused, as well.
When Summer further complains about what will happen to Ryan and Marissa's relationship since they're such the perfect couple, Seth claims to "sort of understand" that perspective because of her own parents' marriage. Wait. How are we suddenly talking about Summer's parents' marriage? How did that happen? Marissa! Marissa! Marissa! Summer threatens Seth with her hot, decaf coffee, and then he whines about not knowing what's going to happen, but just wishing he could help. Summer sweetly points out that they just got past their own drama, and that this was supposed to be their time.
If we're lucky, the show will more precisely become Rachel Bilson's time, and she'll take on the Kelly Taylor lead-who-is- not-the-lead. Except she won't suck like Jennie Garth, and there will be no cults and no creepy Professor Findlay and no magically disappearing burns and magazine covers featuring bad, short, mom-ish haircuts. Seth complains that everything is up in the air, then Summer awkwardly non-transitions to announce that they're not having sex. Couldn't she at least have said something like "What won't be up in the air is my legs/ass/[insert appropriate body part here], since we won't be having sex." Seth's all, "Excellent! There's not enough pain and suffering around us already."
Theresa slings hash at The Only Bakery in Orange County. Okay, so in actuality she's serving coffee, but she's from Chino, so although I don't even know what "hash" is, I know she should be slinging it. She apologizes to the table for having to wait, and a tank-top wearing, semi-mulleted woman stares at her rudely. They let people with mullets into Newport? Kirsten shows up, wanting to talk with Theresa. Theresa explains that the bakery's understaffed today, and then snits over a bad tip, joking that she'll put it toward the baby's college tuition. Or perhaps toward her own G.E.D., since she no longer appears to be in school, even though she's Ryan's age. Theresa has very good enunciation for someone with a tenth-grade education. I'm sure the elocution lessons are big in Chino. Kirsten insists that she's there if Theresa wants to talk, but their conversation is interrupted by a porn star who needs help with the register. She may play a bakery worker on The O.C. right now, but she'll be a porn star soon enough. She's just got that look. (Again, Britney, I'm looking at you.) Theresa finger-picks at the register. She's supposed to be the expert? I could do that faster with my feet.
At The Newport Group, we learn that Caleb's black eye is much more colorful than Theresa's was. We haven't had a rainbow shirt in a while, but Caleb would match one quite nicely. He shuffles paper before lowering his head into his hands. Sandy happens in and proclaims, "Now there's a portrait of a man headed to the altar!" Caleb asks "what the hell" Sandy wants, and Sandy explains that he's actually there about what Kirsten wants: peace among the men she loves. Why not just ask for peace on earth while she's at it, since both are about as likely to actually happen? Caleb suggests that Sandy is asking the wrong groom, and then orders him to get the apology over with. Sandy grumbles that Caleb has no idea what it took to get Sandy there, and considering that we just saw the beginnings of Kirsten's negotiation tactics, I'm not sure Caleb would really want to know. When Sandy announces that he's only there because of Kirsten, Caleb snits that it's "always 'cause of Kirsten." He a
sks if Sandy "railroaded" his business dinner with Robert Campbell because of Kirsten, to which Sandy is all, "That one was for you!" Caleb asks what Sandy will do when he's not around anymore to make Sandy feel superior, and by now, Sandy should know that these types of veiled hints don't end anywhere good: impending death or jail time, evidently. Caleb continues that he is indeed going somewhere -- like San Quentin.
This sobers up Sandy, who asks what Caleb's talking about; in turn, Caleb asks what Sandy thought he was doing in Vegas. Sandy's all, "Flipping my restaurant for a tidy sum." Was there some reason Sandy should have thought otherwise? Caleb announces that he was trying to save the Newport Group, and that selling The Lighthouse was the only thing that could have kept the property afloat. When Sandy marvels at Kirsten's silence on the subject, Caleb confesses that she is unaware of the company's losses because her division -- residential real estate -- is the only one making a profit. Sandy suggests that Caleb try to sell the property to someone else, and Caleb surprisingly does not jump up from his seat, exclaim, "Why didn't I think of that?," and head down to the local farmer's mart to barter off a restaurant and chunk of the California coastline. Instead, Caleb explains that Robert Campbell was the only person to whom the plot of land was so meaningful. But if it's that meani
ngful to him, why not go back to him and try again? Sandy could go along -- the eyebrows can be quite persuasive. Sandy takes a very long time to conclude that the Newport Group's troubles are the reason behind Caleb's betrayal over The Lighthouse; he calls Caleb a "sneaky, not-so-successful son of a bitch." Caleb advises Sandy to enjoy it while it lasts, because the D.A. is all over him once again.
He tells Sandy to have a nice day, and then heads out into the veldt wearing a safari hat and cracking a giant whip.
At The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Marissa packs up all her shit. What a huge waste of Seth and Summer's hard work! Then again, since they both apparently exist for the sole purpose of doing manual labor for her, it's no biggie. Jimmy asks what Marissa's doing, and she explains that she's "preparing to move into The House on Haunted Hill." We see her pack up a picture of herself and Jimmy, and can briefly make out that the identical picture is hanging on the wall right behind her. It's probably a really good picture of her, while Jimmy has broccoli in his teeth and a giant cowlick. We all know what matters. Jimmy insists that Marissa doesn't have to move, because he's willing to give Caleb back his money!
She worries that he'd have nothing then, and would have to move to Phoenix (where all newly moneyless people go, apparently); at least this way, she can still see Jimmy! Jimmy marvels that life wasn't this complicated when he was growing up, but that's only because his
friends didn't have $2 million that he could mess everything up by stealing. Marissa whines that she feels like she's "constantly being punished for something," while Lady Heather just trucks onward. Jimmy points out that Lady Heather has to "wake up every morning and be [Lady Heather]," which he suggests is punishment enough.
He suggests that they take a Balboa Bar break, but since Mischa Barton has already met all the food-scene requirements in her contract, Marissa takes a pass.
At The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, Sandy asks if Theresa's mom knows about the pregnancy yet. Ryan explains that Theresa isn't ready to tell her because that will make it seem real. As Kirsten scolds him, Sandy rants that it is real, and that there's no point in sugar-coating it. He recalls all the unwed mothers who came through his office when he was a public defender, and Kirsten cuts him off to ask whether he really thinks they don't understand the reality of the situation. Ryan looks alarmed that Kirsten is so riled up, while Sandy continues obliviously focusing on Ryan.
He swings an arm over Ryan's shoulder and announces, "Hey, look. We are who we are. And we'll help you through this." I have no idea what the "we are who we are" bit is, and whether it's left over from some musical Peter Gallagher once played a dandy in, but it's still a sweet moment. Seth appears in the kitchen just in time to announce that the Cohens did a good job raising him, which he say
s is "proof pudding." Speaking of pudding, he asks if they have any "tapioca on tap." He adds that he loves pudding because it's "so fun to say." In my recap, I put pudding on the "Adam Brody is adorable" list, but on second viewing, I'm more disturbed than anything else. "Pudding" goes on the list with "moist" and "panties" (and "swab" and "pool house" and "pee" and "underpants" in some circles) of words people should not ever say.
Theresa shuffles into the kitchen and gets a "sweetie" from Kirsten, who offers up her "secret recipe -- takeout." Theresa explains that she has to work; amongst all this chaos, she's found some time to work on her tan, thought. She asks to speak with Ryan, and he follows her outside. He's wearing a brown shirt, which is an unusual choice for this show, but representative of the shit-colored predicament he's in. Theresa announces that she's been thinking, and although they haven't actually talked about it, she knows that neither of them is ready to have a baby. She flatly says she can't do it, so she's not going to "have it...the baby." I don't know why she adds "the baby" to that sentence; it's not like he'd confuse what she means and will think she's debating whether to have a hamburger. She points out that while he can tell the Cohens, she can't tell her mom.
Ryan blinks and blinks and blinks his comprehension.
Seth wears a plaid shirt. It's a very plain choice for Seth, but a refreshing one. He invited Ryan down to the boat with him to renew his dock fees and take it out for a spin. When Ryan says it sounds "good," Seth corrects that it should sound "great," since they haven't been on the boat since the previous summer. If he loves sailing so much, then why hasn't he been? The weather should be fine year-round. Seth fondly recollects the time when they were just getting to know each other: "Now look at us: best friends. Brothers, even! And what do brothers do, Ryan? Do you know what brothers do? Brothers sail!" A skeptical Ryan asks which brothers sail, and Seth rambles on about the Wright brothers before they invented airplanes, asking how Ryan thought they got everywhere? Not to mention the Ringling Brothers "with their chimps...and their tigers. It's like Noah's Ark on that boat!" He continues on to Hanson playing cruise lines, and then insists that Ryan should get excited because he just dodged a bullet. Seth shit-mouths that it wasn't an actual bullet, and also that he thinks it's cool, although not so much cool. In short, he thought Ryan would be relieved; Ryan admits that he is, but insists that it's complicated. Seth's all, "Too complicated for banter about boats or Hanson?" Seth's banter is, as usual, complicated enough.
At the pool house, we focus on Theresa attempting to put on an earring for about forty-five full seconds. She doesn't succeed. I don't know why it's relevant, but since the editors deem it fit to show us, maybe it is. Maybe next season they'll go all C.S.I. on us, and Seth and Ryan will use the DNA from that earring to prove that the baby isn't Ryan's, after all. Kirsten awkwardly enters, offering up tea, toast, and Dramamine. Theresa declines the interesting cocktail, and then explains that she can't be late for work today because she's got the afternoon off for her Planned Parenthood appointment. Kirsten asks whether Ryan is going with her, and Theresa admits that she hasn't told him yet because he'll freak out. She also can't tell her mother, who is "extremely religious." Kirsten suggests that Theresa will need someone there with her to listen to the doctors, and also because she won't want to drive. She adds, "I'm an excellent driver. Amazing parker." Aw. Theresa admits that she hates to parallel park, and so they're all set to go together.
You'd think Theresa would be good at parallel parking, since in the hell that is Chino, there is nothing but parallel parking spots.
At the Harbor School, Marissa is interrogating Ryan about how he feels; she then presses about when the abortion will take place, and Ryan only knows that it's soon. He sits back and sighs, and Marissa says the stupidest of all stupid things ever by claiming, "Well, then at least everything can go back to normal."
Whom will things be normal for, again? That's right! Marissa! She qualifies that nothing is ever normal in Newport, though, which might be because she's always over-dramatizing everything. Still, Ryan agrees that life will be "more normal than this." The two exchange sweet smiles, and Marissa proposes that they spend the summer just being normal. Ryan asks, "We're not going to hold Seth to that, are we?" That's the joke right there, people, but the writers see fit to attempt to have Marissa cash in on an easy punchline: "No, no that would be impossible." But it doesn't work, writers! We just hate her more! Marissa explains that she was talking about just the two of
them, and then grabs the back of his head in a vise-like grip to draw him in for a death kiss.
Caleb leads a blindfolded Lady Heather through Versailles-like gardens and past a huge fountain featuring cherubs. Frogs would have been more appropriate, but I'm sure Lady Heather will make some changes later. She giddily suggests that they save the blindfold for later, to which Caleb leers, "Good to know." He removes the blindfold, and she stares gape-mouthed at what's before her; shortly, we are also gape-mouthed as the camera pans around to reveal what is essentially a palace. It's got verandas and porticos and all kinds of other architectural crap that I don't know anything about. I know that it's big and I know that it's fancy. And that the grounds have really, really green grass. Lady Heather echoes my "palace" sentiment, and Caleb proudly declares it "fit for a queen." But "Queen Heather" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, so we'll stick with "Lady Heather" for now.
At the docks, Seth removes the tarp from his boat, cooing that he missed it, and that it's been too long. When Ryan points out that he's talking to a boat, Seth responds that he talks to a plastic horse, too, but that never worries anyone. Ryan says, "It worried me." Hee. Seth fishes a compass out of his gear and explains that it will lead him to Tahiti. Ryan asks what happened to that plan, and Seth admits that when Ryan came, Seth "suddenly had less reason to flee." Aw. Seth boasts that he could have made the trip in forty-two days, and Ryan laments that they'll never know now. And why not? Is there an expiration date on traveling to Tahiti? Seth announces that the Summer Breeze is "back in action," and I'll bet he's wishing the same could be said about Summer. He suggests a trip to Catalina with their "ladies," and Ryan perks up at the thought; he suggests catching fresh fish right off the side of the boat and cooking them right there. And I can so see Marissa and Summer getting into that. Except totally not. Ryan says that the trip sounds good, and then amends that it sounds great.
And while this show may consider itself risqué, they still can't bring themselves to have a character say the word "abortion." Instead, we see Theresa reading a pamphlet which declares, "The Truth about Abortion." Kirsten walks her through the next day's schedule, while Theresa looks unhappy.
They appear to be drinking lemonade, and I cannot imagine a drink that goes less well with a frank discussion of abortion. We also see that on the table are marigolds, which in a previous recap I apparently mistook for carnations. They must have busted those out when they noticed Theresa coming, because a Newport restaurant would only have roses or lilies or some other upscale flower on its tables. Kirsten finishes out her summation by exclaiming that "everyone there seems really nice." What a totally random thing to say; I'm sure the first thing on Theresa's mind is whether the nurse will give her a lollipop or validate her parking when she leaves. Theresa ignores the randomness and says instead that she can't believe she's doing this. When Kirsten points out that she doesn't have to, Theresa announces that she does because she's still in high school -- or should be in high school, as she points out; on that matter, would the Cohens really harbor a high-school dropout? Is that even legal? Theresa adds that she only makes eleven dollars in tips a day, so it's not like having a baby makes the most sense. When Kirsten counters that Theresa doesn't have to base her decision on what makes the most sense, Theresa scoffs to hear this from Kirsten, who has such a perfect, together life. Kirsten's face freezes up as she chokes out that nothing's perfect and that sometimes, "things...just...happen." Theresa -- who is suddenly as dense as Marissa -- responds, "Yeah, but never to someone like you, right?" Kirsten stares blankly while Theresa does the math. She apologizes, but Kirsten cuts her off to say it's okay and that she doesn't regret her decision, but that she
wishes that when she was trying to choose, someone had been there for her. Aw, poor Kirsten. She adds that whatever Theresa decides, the Cohens are there for her.
Back at the pool house, Theresa lights a candle, although it appears that only one candle has made the trip to The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, as opposed to the seventeen thousand candles she surrounded herself with at The Mermaid. Ryan asks how she's feeling, and she admits that she's "pretty lousy." She asks whether he "remember[s] that part last night about [her] not having the baby." Ryan thinks really hard about it, but draws a blank; between eating lunch with Marissa and going to the boat with Seth, he only remembers the important parts -- like the fact that he was wearing a brown shirt. After that, it's a complete wash. Okay, so he remembers, but what a dumb way for her to ask that question. He looks wary as she adds that as hard as it is to imagine having a baby, it's even harder to imagine not having it. Ryan concludes that she's going to have the baby, and she insists that she has to. She hugs him, while he makes a vomit face. If you don't know what a vomit face is, go back and rewatch the episode -- there's your definition.
Inside, Kirsten walks down the hallway, stalked by Sandy, who is interrogating her about her conversation with Theresa. He accuses Kirsten of talking her into having the baby, and Kirsten wonders whether she should just have let Theresa make a completely uninformed decision. Sandy points out that Ryan and Theresa are two kids with nothing; how can they start a family? He asks if she knows what Ryan is going through right now and she evasively responds, "Not as well as I know what she's going through." Sandy gets all up in Kirsten's face to ask what that means, and she backs out of the confession, insisting that it means nothing except that Theresa is alone, can't talk to her mother, and is scared and confused; all Kirsten did was listen. Sandy is obviously not convinced that Kirsten's disclosure is "nothing," but the conversation is halted as Ryan enters the kitchen. Responsible fathers brush their hair while forgoing product, so that's what he's done. It's not really an improvement. The boy just needs a new haircut or something. Kirsten hurries to offer him breakfast, but he's just on his way through to check on Theresa. In his wake, Kirsten segues the conversation to Caleb; she asks whether Sandy has talked to him lately, because he hasn't seemed himself. Sandy says he wouldn't want to be Caleb, either -- about to be bound by law to Lady Heather. Kirsten doesn't want to be reminded -- "Denial is a very effective coping mechanism" -- and we focus on Sandy, whose wheels are turning about whether Kirsten could be in denial about other things, as well.
Ryan joins Theresa in the pool house, where she is packing up her clothes and wearing a tie-back maternity shirt. When he determines that she's leaving, Theresa admits that she told her mother everything and is going back to Chino; she should have left the night before, after seeing the aforementioned vomit face. Ryan insists that Theresa doesn't have to leave, and that they can figure it out together. She urges him to come with her then, and his silence is answer enough.
Marissa, Hailey and Jimmy -- continuing his pattern of showing up in the most inappropriate of places -- carry boxes into The Palace. They comment on its castle-like appearance, and Jimmy suggests that the torture chamber must be in the basement. Lady Heather clickety-clacks into the room, reprimanding Jimmy for showing up, since Caleb is due back any minute, and thanks to Jimmy he'll have a black eye in his wedding photos.
It's amazing how frequently I find myself agreeing with Lady Heather. Jimmy makes some snide comment about the "black lump of coal where [Caleb's] heart should be." Lump-of-coal-for-a-heart jokes are so 1957. Lady Heather asks why Jimmy can't just be happy for her, since she's happy for herself. Even she sounds surprised to admit it. Hailey snipes that Lady Heather can't be happy, which makes her happy. Lady Heather gasps, and then commends Jimmy on his "classy choice." She thinks it's obvious, though, that he's only with Hailey because he can't be with Kirsten, which in psychology is called "transference." Jimmy counters that in psychology, what Lady Heather is doing is called "shameless gold-digging."
Lady Heather contends that Hailey is out for the same thing where Caleb is concerned, and Hailey's all, "Do not make me --" Lady Heather's all, "-- go back to life as a stripper or coke whore?" leading Jimmy to ask in disbelief whether Lady Heather has forgotten about the '80s. Hee. Lady Heather so wore shoulder pads and a vial of coke around her neck, which she snorted out of her really, really long red nails. She points out that at least she's not a criminal, to which he responds, "At least I'm not marrying one." Except being a criminal is worse than marrying a criminal as far as I'm concerned; not to mention the fact Lady Heather was previously married to a criminal who kept his criminal past from her and who is now criticizing her for marrying another criminal. So being married to a criminal is fine, apparently; it's just which criminal that's the issue. Marissa storms into the room, throws a box down onto the ground, and yells for them to stop because Lady Heather is getting everything she wants, including Marissa moving in with her. A confused Lady Heather says she thought Marissa wanted that too, and Hailey and Jimmy look back and forth and back and forth between mother and daughter like it's a tennis match.
Summer stands dockside, while Seth sits in his boat. They so missed the opportunity to have Summer pull a Tori Spelling and don a sailor suit for the occasion. Unlike Tori Spelling, she would look adorable in a sailor suit. Summer rambles on about what a coincidence it is that Seth has a boat named Summer Breeze, and Seth manically agrees that it's crazy. She zings, "Well, it's the only Summer you'll be riding for a while." Seth's all, "Right. Yeah. No sex. I got it."
A Random Boat Boy asks Seth for paperwork, and we deduce through their conversation that Seth is selling his boat for six thousand dollars in cash. Summer asks if he's planning to flee the country with all that money. When he explains that it's for Ryan, she asks if he's buying him "vintage wifebeaters?" Hee. Seth swears Summer to secrecy before revealing that Theresa has decided to keep the baby. Summer plotzes at this news, as Seth continues that since he spent all his money on Vegas hookers, the boat is all he has that's worth anything, and he doesn't know how else to help. Summer sweetly coos a "Cohen" at him in response to this announcement.
At The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, white twinkle lights abound. Pretty. Sadly, there's not a carnie in sight. When Jimmy enters, Caleb snits over what he's doing there, and Kirsten counters that Jimmy's family, too. Caitlyn is also family, but no one remembered to unlock her from the trunk, so she's absent at the dinner. Jimmy back-handedly congratulates Caleb on getting a "hell of a woman." Meanwhile, Lady Heather greets Summer and Seth, who snits that being a groomsman is the "fulfillment of a lifelong dream." Marissa flounces up and -- after giving her a prolonged once-over in which she can apparently find nothing to complain about -- Lady Heather declares her beautiful. Marissa manages a sullen "thanks" before Lady Heather takes her leave. Marissa asks if the others have seen Ryan, because he hasn't returned any of her calls; is he okay? Seth rambles that he "takes a long time with his hair," and is probably busy making his signature "angry claw," which takes "like, four hours" and which Marissa should see because it's weird. Summer peppers his ramblings with brief emissions including, "I don't know. Mousse. Product. I know." Hee. They both make mock hair claws with their hands, accompanied by growling noises.
Sandy tracks down Caleb to inform him that he talked to Otis the District Attorney.
Caleb calls him something that sounds like a "pad load." I don't know what that means. Sandy declares that it's "over" for Caleb, which must be heartening to learn on the eve of your wedding. When Caleb wonders what he's supposed to do, Sandy questions whether he's told the "future Mrs. Nichol" about his financial situation. Caleb asks if Sandy is saying that Lady Heather is marrying Caleb for his money and through fits of stifled laughter Sandy chokes out, "No! Never! Of course not!" When he suggests that they consider postponing the wedding, Caleb deems it impossible; he's never let anyone push him around, and so the wedding will indeed be tomorrow! He manages to thank Sandy for trying, and then an amused Sandy heralds the irony of the fact that Lady Heather left Jimmy to marry Caleb, and now Jimmy is "worth millions." I'm still not getting the "worth millions" part, since he not only has people to pay back from his career as a financial advisor/thief, but he only pocketed half of $2.5 million, which doesn't go so far after purchasing a beachfront manse in Orange County. Caleb sips his wine and declares, "I don't believe in irony." Sandy suggests that that's too bad, since believing in irony might just get Caleb through these bad times.
But I think Sandy has confused "irony" with "humor."
Marissa enters the pool house, wearing a blue dress that matches Ryan's blue shirt. The blue is spreading from the men to the women. Ryan explains that he's hiding, and then announces that Theresa went back home to have the baby. Marissa asks whether Theresa and Eddie made up.
Who wants an abusive couple to "make up"? I swear Marissa is making us try to hate her. When Ryan doesn't answer, she draws an alternate conclusion: that Theresa is having the baby alone. When Ryan still doesn't answer, Marissa pouts her response.
Ryan can't actually be picking a helpless, unborn baby over a near-grown woman with a family, plenty of financial resources, and really, really long legs, can he? I mean, a baby's legs are only like nine inches long!
We join the rehearsal dinner meal, where Caleb toasts Kirsten for hosting the dinner.
As if she had a choice. He goes on about how tomorrow is important, and what a great joy it is to watch his family grow after being through so much together; tomorrow, he declares, the Nichols, Cohens, and Coopers become one family. "Atwood" is conspicuously absent from that list. As various characters make eye contact with each other through Caleb's speech,
Seth sits all hunched over and weird at the table. He might be his cutest at his weirdest. Caleb adds that he feels "very lucky to be at the head of that family," which elicits an eyebrow lift from Sandy. As Caleb finally wraps it up and they all clink glasses, Ryan leaves the table and heads inside, where he paces around looking angst-y. Well, he almost always looks angst-y, but this time we understand that it's specialized angst as opposed to standard angst. Marissa tromps in behind him, followed by Seth and Summer, all wanting to know if he's okay. He just wants to get out of there!
We cut to the foursome walking down the beach. Seth points out that it was on this very stretch of beach that they first got their asses kicked by the water polo team. He stoops to collect some sand, and then declares that it "definitely tastes the same." Hee. Marissa asks when that was, and the boys explains that it was after the fashion show when Ryan first arrived at Holly's beach house party. Summer skeptically asks whether they were actually at that party, and Seth groans that "those were the days." As Seth and Summer snuggle, Marissa and Ryan are noticeably apart. She asks if he's okay, and he struggles through announcing that he's been thinking he needs to go back to Chino, because Theresa can't do it by herself.
This leaves the group understandably bereft of further witty banter.
I've never thought men should wear shorts, and the next scene is proof: Seth stands next to Random Boat Boy, who we saw earlier. Seth sports khaki pants and looks typically charming; Random Boat Boy sports shorts and looks like Dorf. When Random Boat Boy reveals that the boat's buyer backed out, Seth is indignant about the dissolution of their deal and says he really needs the money. Random Boat Boy points out that the buyer will have it in a few months, but Seth needs it right now! Random Boat Boy apologizes and walks away, and he should stop payment right now on the checks for the acting lessons from Mischa Barton, because they are not paying off. Meanwhile, Seth mumbles that it figures, since that's the way things have been going for him lately.
Seth heads into a diner to join Marissa and Summer. He announces that he has a plan: since no one, including Ryan, wants Ryan to leave, they'll make him stay by all getting jobs, pooling their salaries, and getting an apartment in the numbered streets. Why don't they just set up a lemonade stand or an advice booth or something? That would be so much easier. When Marissa points out that Theresa wants to be with her family, and that Ryan has to be with her, Seth yelps that he's not just letting Ryan go! Summer thinks there's nothing else they can do short of kidnapping him, and Marissa insists that she'd do something if she could.
Well, if Marissa got pregnant, then Ryan would have to stay to help her, right? Now there's a solution I'd expect from Marissa. Seth snits that Marissa has done enough already, and then gives all of us Seth-lovers even more reason to adore him by laying into Marissa for the Oliver fiasco; he whines that all she ever did was "drag that kid into your messed-up life." Dang! Except yay! Instead of defending herself in a rational way, Marissa counters with the accusation that "all [Seth] ever did was use [Ryan] to pick up girls and get out of fights." In lashing out at Seth, Marissa appears even more ridiculously self-centered than ever. Summer tries to mediate as Seth snits off that he's got to get ready for the wedding, and he doesn't care what happens as long as Marissa is cool with Ryan leaving.
Sandy enters the pool house as Ryan packs. He explains the timeline for the wedding pending Kirsten's readiness, and then cracks, "It is a mystery to me what goes on in that bathroom." Ryan asks if they'll be done by 6, since he told Theresa to pick him up then. Sandy takes this in without a reaction, so we know he knows that Ryan is leaving. Sandy announces that, as Ryan's guardian, he can stop him. Ryan knows that, but counters that Sandy won't, because if he taught Ryan anything, it's to do what it takes to protect his family. I thought that was Jimmy's MO? These writers need to get their stories straight. And while Sandy is an excellent father, I would think he would have also taught Ryan kindness and patience and open-mindedness in equal measure, but I guess none of those went with this particular plotline. Ryan announces that Theresa is his family now, but Sandy insists that the Cohens are his family, too. He announces that Theresa and Ryan can both stay with the Cohens, and that they'll make it work "as a family." Aw. Aw! Ryan can't ask them to do that, though, because the Cohens have already done more than Ryan could have asked of anyone. Sandy grins that he told him once already that he could have done worse. Indeed. Kids do worse with their biological parents every day. Ryan huskily points out that when Sandy took him in, Ryan had no family and no hope, and that he doesn't want his kid to grow up the same way. Sandy earnestly declares, "Well, just 'cause you're leavin'...doesn't mean I'm lettin' you go." While watching this scene, I determine that Ben McKenzie plucks his eyebrows; as we all well know, Peter Gallagher does not. Sandy lightens the mood by hurrying Ryan to dress so that they might witness the "most unholy of all unions."
We hear the chimes of the wedding march, and red-attired bridesmaids file down the aisle.
Lady Heather appears in a poofy strapless ballgown; alas, the costumers missed a major opportunity to have Lady Heather's dress designed by Juicy Couture. We suddenly see the aisle and altar via LadyHeatherCam, and she zooms in on Caleb.
I expect him to turn into a dollar sign, much like one cartoon character turns into a giant turkey leg in front of another. Her stride slows a bit, and I think something is about to go down, but it's not -- as much as a lot happens in this episode, the pace is very even and there aren't any big shockers or dramatic revelations. It's all very matter-of-fact, which I think helps make the episode more successful. We see members of the wedding party exchanging looks, including a particularly skeptical one between Sandy and Kirsten. We also see that while the Atwood last name didn't make the union, Ryan did score a place in the wedding party. We also see that Jimmy continues his campaign of impropriety by assuming a place in the front row. Oh, and I see Cyndi! I don't see Caitlyn, but apparently she's there somewhere. They probably wheeled in her trunk so that she could bear witness to the occasion.
We abruptly cut to the reception, and I credit the editors for not making the audience endure the sappy vows of a couple who clearly do not love each other. Caleb and Lady Heather take to the dance floor to "Maybe I'm Amazed" by Jem. I'm preferential to the McCartney version, but this one holds its own. We see various dancing couples looking happy, while Ryan stews alone at a table, staring at a gold-plated goblet and calculating how many of them he'd need to smuggle out to provide for the future of his child. When Marissa approaches him sullenly, he asks if she wants to dance, and she silently agrees.
And thus commences a painful scene in which Marissa runs through the entire repertoire of Precious Moments figurine facial expressions while basically granting Ryan permission to go, but begging him not to. I feel for her, but what I feel is burning hate. She nuzzles up to him while a bizarre couple bops around behind them. We pan slowly out from the dance floor, where Ryan and
Marissa remain immobile while the other couples dance. The music tinkles. Then it tinkles some more. Tinkle tinkle tinkle tinkle. And then more tinkling.
Prolonged tinkling brings us to Seth, sitting alone on a bluff. Summer kneels beside him and softly explains that she was sent to find him; in response, he can only muster a grunt. She jokes that she figured he'd be busy "stuffing his pockets with cocktail weenies" right now, and we know that Seth is upset since he doesn't take the opportunity to admonish her not to say "weenies." Summer knows he's upset about Ryan and points out that Chino isn't too far away, but this is no consolation to Seth, who yells that Ryan was the first and only real friend he ever had. Summer corrects him that he also has her, and Seth angrily insists that it's not the same thing; before Ryan arrived, he was Newport's biggest loser and his existence was hell. He hates that he can't help Ryan, but also can't imagine what it will be like without him. Summer promises that they'll get through it together; in response, Seth tells her to let the others know he'll be back in a few minutes. As she slowly wa
lks away, he announces, "And for the record, the boat was named after you."
And that's all we get of the wedding, since we suddenly find ourselves in the pool house while Ryan continues to pack. I can't believe there was no dress-tearing, and that no one ending up pushed into a pool or off a bluff. The camera surveys the empty pool house, which doesn't have much of an impact since it didn'' ever exactly look full with Ryan as a resident.
All of Ryan's fifty-seven wifebeaters and three leather wrist cuffs fit into one small duffel bag and a backpack.
In the kitchen, Sandy and Kirsten try to act busy but are clearly waiting for Ryan. Kirsten's voice breaks as she asks if Theresa is there yet; she gives Ryan a brown bag packed with a snack and explains that he shouldn't worry because she didn't make it; she offers to learn to cook if it would convince him to stay. Ryan is not in a joking mood; instead, he earnestly thanks them for inviting them into their home. He starts to choke up as he recalls the year, and Kirsten cuts him off: "For us too." She sweeps him up into a hug, and for once he brings himself to reciprocate. Sandy joins them with an arm around each, announcing, "And Kirsten's not even a hugger." She reprimands Sandy for knowing how to ruin a moment, and they share laughter through tears.
Ryan heads upstairs to say goodbye to Seth, where there is no laughter to be had. Seth pouts on the bed listening to his headphones as Ryan announces that he's got to "jet." Seth dismissively says it's "coo' [sic]," and then briefly drops the nonchalant act to ask if Ryan really has to go. He announces that if they need a nanny, he'll take the graveyard shift. When Ryan insists that they'll manage, Seth says he was afraid Ryan would say that. Ryan says that Seth can come visit him, but Seth can't muster a response. Trying another tactic, Ryan says he got Seth a present and hands over a map of Tahiti. Seth tosses it onto the bedside table, and his cute little heart is just breaking in half. Ryan stares at him, but Seth just looks away. The doorbell rings, and they exchange unhappy "see ya"s. Seth turns back to his headphones while Ryan just stands there, hoping for something more. The quiet chiming of Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" begins, to accompany the saddest Montage of Sadness ever.
The next shot we see is in the gray-toned ChinoCam. We see Ryan's doleful face through the window, while Marissa stands curbside at Lady Heather's Lair. She hopefully perks up when she sees the car, and then sadly watches them continue onward. Ryan stares back at her as she's washed over in strange light.
A limo pulls in front of her, obstructing her from Ryan's view. The car turns out onto the coastal road. If this sounds familiar, that's because it is, puppy-face and all. For once, it's a successful -- as opposed to completely random -- parallel.
Hallelujah!
Upstairs, Seth packs up a duffel bag. He does so with his tongue stuck out, which is the mark of packing concentration. As he swings out of the room, we see two letters labeled "Mom and Dad" and "Summer" on his desk.
Hallelujah!
Marissa carries a box, containing what looks like a single Care Bear, into her new bedroom at The Palace. If she's so poor, then why does her turquoise purse so perfectly match her turquoise tank top? She opens the doors off her bedroom and stares out at the lovely vista below.
Hallelujah!
Seth unties his boat from the dock, consults his compass, and heads out on what appears to be a split-decision sailing excursion to Tahiti.
Hallelujah!
Kirsten changes Ryan's sheets, and then pauses.
Hallelujah!
Ryan stares out through the gray-tone ChinoCam. He and Theresa exchange a lingering look.
Hallelujah!
Seth sails.
Hallelujah!
Kirsten sits on the bed and breaks down into tears. Sandy slowly comes into the room.
Hallelujah!
Marissa sips alcohol straight from the bottle, and immediately looks drunk and surly.
Hallelujah!
Seth sails out of the harbor area.
Hallelujah!
Kirsten takes a deep, calming breath, and then breaks down into hysterical tears while Sandy silently holds her.
Hallelujah!
Gray-toned ChinoCam. Ryan's puppy-face.
Hallelujah!
Seth sails on a beautiful, sunlit ocean.
Hal-le-looo-ooo-ooo-ya! "
I can't wait for next season.
