postgraduationhaze

" unneccessary "
Date: 12 August
Climate: its cold, theres no other way to put it
Eating: digesting noodles from lunch
Drinking: smoothie
Feeling: perturbed
Listening to: The Smiths
Watching: zak hook up a computer in my office
Reading: amazon.com

I have had this urge to write or research this long...paper I suppose, on race and culture/gender/ and dating in America. I know this topic has been done before but I take Eddie and I's relationship as a great offshoot, and I suppose I thought, seeing as this is so unoriginal, that there would be a good amount of stuff written about this out there...I went to Barnes and Nobles and was sadly mistaken. There was two partitions of womens study books, and some (sparse!) books on cultural studies, but I was looking for something that, well, helped to define masculinity to some degree.
Nothing! Just shelves and shelves of these books about why women feel inferior, why thats wrong, why women only need women, why feminism isn't femi-nazi-ism, raising adolscent girls, etc.etc...women inside women's heads, intending to deconstruct, but from all I saw, it was simply aiding in the psychobabble. They certainly mentioned men, but never did they talk about why it is that men DO view things in a way that can, to a degree, be detrimental to women...and their personalities, etc. I mean, what part of this...conflict or identity struggle will ever get solved if there lacks a verse from the male side? As though women think, or whats out there intends, to be so female strengthened that regardless of whatever effect masculinity and men do have on the crisis of femininity, women are strong enough to do it alone...now I know thats very sweeping but I am really frustrated with the lack of inventory that the Barnes and Nobles had, which is a very mainstream, well frequented store...and it goes round and round again...the masses literature nutrition comes from places like Barnes and Nobles, which is fine, but without the selection to truly produce some sort of explanation or theory to Finish what their womens studies section, somewhat sets out to do.
Okay I am done.

So I ordered three books from amazon.com--this book called Necessary Dreams (changing ambition in womens lives--got great reviews), Midlife Crisis at 30 (why are the daughters of baby boomers shriviling instead of rioting) and Constructing Masculinity (part of a series)
I read excerpts from them while I was unwinding about this on the phone (not much to do during this last day) with Eddie, and he said he was actually interested--genuinely (the whole honesty thing really shows its colors at times like this) and so I am having them billed to me but shipped to him. He asked if he could open it, since I am going to be in transit so much these next few days.
Best parts of today: the going away lunch with the staff they surprised me with. the second call from the dnc people, and the request for references and an interview with a law firm on wacker.
What overrules that all: Eddie told his friend we're probably going to get married.

And then I wonder why I am so fascinated with gender studies.

Posted by * at 3:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

" Merci Beaucoup "
Date: Today is the last day
Climate: cold with sun--feels like fall
Eating: --
Drinking: apple juice
Feeling: tired
Listening to: cuts from the video they made for ACT
Watching: Stepmom
Reading: --

Today is my last day here...there isn't a whole lot for me to do and I may try to leave early, but its not like i have alot to do elsewhere... Maybe i'll walk and see a movie.
I wrote thank you notes to the staff here--I really will genuinely miss them but I feel so right that this is the best decision.
Erick emailed me saying they have some openings at Liberty--I was impressed that he thought of me, he thinks I would be perfect...I am going to apply I just need my clips, which are in storage somewhere. I may just send what I have in with clips forthcoming. I don't know--
I couldn't sleep at all last night, I was up until 3am. I don't know whats going--Eddie and i had those fantastic, long conversations--its good to be back to normal.

I miss him
Cherie

Posted by * at 9:47 AM | Permalink | Comments

"Imagine how I would feel, if your friends were all your dates."

Food for thought when contemplating if members of the opposite sex, can in fact be "just friends" (cue the This American Life episode "Get Over It")

I haven't had this issue in awhile but i figured i'd through it out there.

Oh Howie Day. Such wisdom;)

Posted by * at 4:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

" what the hell season is it, anyway? "
Date: 11 August
Climate: COLD --what the?
Eating: -- I ate spinach last night and, what else? threw up.
Drinking: water + coffee
Feeling: tired.
Listening to: Massive Attack -- Protection--possibly the song that speaks to me most right now?
Watching: Sex and the City on TBS
Reading: -

I love this new template.

Feeling a little tired of...everything in my life, literally everything. Don't really know what else to say. Its cold here, and I just want to lay in bed, even though I did, seriously, almost burn my room and probably hotel down last night and the room, although heavily fumigated (sp?) really really stinks like a BBQ or some shit like that.

Still phasing out here. ..toying with using my time post lsat pre law school to really, really, write a manuscript. So very "innervolved" right now (new word? guess so).

New kid here from the UK. Name is Karin--blonde...his dad is some hot shot who knows Rosenthal or something. I didn't bother to ask. He was so...smiley. When this became a turn off to me I don't know...he's around my age and I think staying in my hotel...I could have a friend for two days! (sighs)--Begining to feel less and less like the happy little worker and more and more like George from Dead Like Me ("not.so.close")

Dreamt of late law school applications and frantic post office runs with my little brother in a car from Oregon, where I was back in my hometown, seeing the faces of ex boyfriends in cars driving by. I don't know what the hell that means...it was definitely the fumes.

Posted by * at 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments

" Modern Way of Letting Go "
Date: 10 August
Climate: not hot enough
Eating: --
Drinking: water
Feeling: annoyed
Listening to: idlewild
Watching: --
Reading: --

This whole leaving issue is reaching new heights of annoyance. First, and now again, I seem to be the target of negativity because I am, I suppose, frankly telling individuals in charge that I can't afford to waste my time with a program that is giving me nothing of the objectives I was told I was going to be achieving if I put my whole life on hold, and moved TO MICHIGAN, mind you, to work on this "election"...and now, some parties are claiming that I was going to be "moved" over into more field work (aka what i was told I would be doing anyway) come September...because my responsibilities with press would be relieved because they AREN'T hiring a press secretary to aid the director that I have been committed to since, like, May.
I don't necessarily enjoy or dislike my work here, but its not worth putting law school off for another year--oh, and thats another thing, because everyone hears so well, everyone "thought" I was going to law school NOW and are realizing that things like, oh, the LSAT and applications must be done first, which is a committment in and of itself, too.
I mean, this is ridiculous. No one is listening.

I told them straight up that regardless of what either party claims, my side is and always has been the same, despite varying reports: I was told I would be doing something I am not, I was NEVER told that I would be doing anything different for the remaining two and a half months, from what i have been doing for the past 4 months, and that at one point, I was told that I was brought up here to be the HELP DESK aka a receptionist-secretary who deals with, like, paperwork for MPO's and reimbursements, but my "leadership" abilities shone through, which is why I am essentially the secretary to the communications director...No matter what "the date" of this alleged move to field work and organizing, lets all look it in the eye and say "that wont' happen" because its not like it has yet--and if they had told me in April that that move wouldn't have happened until September, there is no way I would have committed to doing this for the time that I have, walking into it eyes open. Sure, for a time, I wanted to be as helpful as possible for the good of the organization, and make myself useful but that has only allowed the pigeon holing to continue, which isn't worth putting law school off for another year for these little "possibilities" that in my gut I know won't pan out because she is and does and will need help in press--the best was the comment that i'd work in press and do weekend canvass, both--what?! No one ever asked, they just assumed, and I have given almost three months notice to that I am not happy in press and what has happened? Nothing.

Yes, if I was doing something than I thought I would be doing in April, right now, that would lbe different, as we all know that I considered law school and the ramifications of committing myself to this way back in March, but to be honest, that job doesn't exist right now, and anyone saying it would happen come September, when my responsibilities with press relieve themselves (and again, how would that happen without hiring someone else? They, apparently, on the record, aren't hiring anyone to replace OR aid us (if I were to stay), and its not as though press slows down come November 2 so where is the relief they speak of? There is no way she'd let me go work on that with all she has to do, and I couldn't do it with a clear conscious anyway).

Someone please explain why I would want to stay here, especially after all this. Today someone tried to get me to stay already.

I realize that everyone is trying to cover themselves, but if they want me to lie or say that I feel or don't feel something because of these new developments, and that I am leaving because of a reason they want me to be spoon fed while the real reason lays docile, then they can just take a breath because its not going to happen.
My ambition isn't going to be guilted nor is my unhappiness, to stay here--even though this new "she's not getting any help with press" development has my stomach eating itself inside out--I am worried about her now, because I genuinely have grown to like the press director, and I appreciate the work I do here, and she works harder than anyone, and now that I know she's going to be completely on her own (although they kept telling me that regardless of me staying or going, they were hiring someone else...how this all changes in the two weeks I announce my departure is beyond me), I am worried for her, and feel badly, really badly, for my leaving.

But like I said over and over, this job, this "secretarial" position, isn't enough for me to put off law school. Back home, I can get my letters of recommendation done, do the statements carefully, do the applications well, and take the freaking 1500.00 course my parents paid for last year, and study full time. My boyfriend and I won't h ave a 400 mile drive each weekend, and I will be able to see what the rest of my life consisted of before it became just my job, at 23.

I don't know how else to communicate this, I just don't.

Posted by * at 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments

The "intolerance " Entry
Date: 9 August
Climate: i'm cold. no one else is. could be that I am ill (threw up lots last night)
Eating: Oh no
Drinking: water
Feeling: tired
Listening to: crap
Watching: --
Reading: webpages
Had a very, very promising interview with the DNC, ate dinner in the city and saw Collateral--drove up to MI late at night and spent the early morning in stimulating conversation with Eddie--woke up around 3 the next day, attempting to make from- scratch banana pudding (failed miserably, my first ever since I took up cooking). Made a successful ravioli with artichoke and roma tomato with onions and garlic "sauce" (no cream, just the olive oil and vegetables) The bread was moldy which saddened me because it may have helped my upset stomach--I had to see the food at the bottom of the toilet. Slept in peaceful slumber next to Eddie--really the best way to sleep.
Home in less than a week with lots of fun on the radar.

Posted by * at 3:10 PM | Permalink | Comments