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" unneccessary "
Date: 12 August
Climate: its cold, theres no other way to put it
Eating: digesting noodles from lunch
Drinking: smoothie
Feeling: perturbed
Listening to: The Smiths
Watching: zak hook up a computer in my office
Reading: amazon.com

I have had this urge to write or research this long...paper I suppose, on race and culture/gender/ and dating in America. I know this topic has been done before but I take Eddie and I's relationship as a great offshoot, and I suppose I thought, seeing as this is so unoriginal, that there would be a good amount of stuff written about this out there...I went to Barnes and Nobles and was sadly mistaken. There was two partitions of womens study books, and some (sparse!) books on cultural studies, but I was looking for something that, well, helped to define masculinity to some degree.
Nothing! Just shelves and shelves of these books about why women feel inferior, why thats wrong, why women only need women, why feminism isn't femi-nazi-ism, raising adolscent girls, etc.etc...women inside women's heads, intending to deconstruct, but from all I saw, it was simply aiding in the psychobabble. They certainly mentioned men, but never did they talk about why it is that men DO view things in a way that can, to a degree, be detrimental to women...and their personalities, etc. I mean, what part of this...conflict or identity struggle will ever get solved if there lacks a verse from the male side? As though women think, or whats out there intends, to be so female strengthened that regardless of whatever effect masculinity and men do have on the crisis of femininity, women are strong enough to do it alone...now I know thats very sweeping but I am really frustrated with the lack of inventory that the Barnes and Nobles had, which is a very mainstream, well frequented store...and it goes round and round again...the masses literature nutrition comes from places like Barnes and Nobles, which is fine, but without the selection to truly produce some sort of explanation or theory to Finish what their womens studies section, somewhat sets out to do.
Okay I am done.

So I ordered three books from amazon.com--this book called Necessary Dreams (changing ambition in womens lives--got great reviews), Midlife Crisis at 30 (why are the daughters of baby boomers shriviling instead of rioting) and Constructing Masculinity (part of a series)
I read excerpts from them while I was unwinding about this on the phone (not much to do during this last day) with Eddie, and he said he was actually interested--genuinely (the whole honesty thing really shows its colors at times like this) and so I am having them billed to me but shipped to him. He asked if he could open it, since I am going to be in transit so much these next few days.
Best parts of today: the going away lunch with the staff they surprised me with. the second call from the dnc people, and the request for references and an interview with a law firm on wacker.
What overrules that all: Eddie told his friend we're probably going to get married.

And then I wonder why I am so fascinated with gender studies.

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