postgraduationhaze

Date: who cares, the days all look the same
Climate: Haven't been outside
Drinking: Nothing due to the fact that I throw everything up I take down
Eating: Refer to "Drinking"
Feeling: like I have hit rock bottom
Listening to: NPR...and my boss being rude to me, or shall I say former boss?
Watching: Nothing
Reading: more want ads

I got fired.
Because I was in the hospital and couldn't work the two shifts I was supposed to.
No joke. Apparently two people also quit when I got sick, so he was "really slammed" and since I didn't quit, and was just deathly ill, I get to get yelled at.

Apparently he was also pissed that my mom had to call, instead of me. But I supposed that a phone call from a girl who's half vomiting, recovering from a spinal tap, and doped up on morphine, is better than a coherent and logical adult. And since cell phones aren't allowed in hospitals, and I wasn't allowed to make outgoing calls to 411 ( I actually got in an argument with the hospital operator about that), I was wrong, WRONG, to have my mother call. I guess I should have just been AWOL instead. Jesuschrist.

Then he had the gaul to say " I am trying to run a business here...and plus, you have to go home to take care of your mom. I mean, what did you expect us to do?" In his snotty, i'm a queen, love me because I am gay voice...
I seriously started to cry.

So thats that. The one shitty job I did have is now gone, and i have no means of income.
I faxed twenty, no joke, twenty resumes today. All for jobs that will give me an income in one year that is less than it cost for me to go to school for one year...for that degree that I am not using. At all.

I'll be lucky if I get any responses, even if they're the "we're sorry, but you just graduated which in todays world equates to failure." Awww.

I think I have hit rock bottom. Then to top it off, I call my boyfriend, but he's asleep at one in the afternoon..and his mother, who hates me, was especially rude today, as if she knew that I was already wanting to kill myself and wanted to give me that little kick in the suicide direction.

Its like, just add to the fun, please.

I am debating cage dancing.

Posted by * at 3:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

Date: 11.20
Climate: Warmer, warmest
Drinking: Gatorade (electrolyte goodness)
Eating: dry cereal
Feeling: okay
Listening to: A random Beethoven CD I found
Watching: Rich Girls at Julie's
Reading: nothing

my body is getting soft.
I think for christmas I will ask for a membership to Bally's.

Yeah, I just rubbed my leg again. I feel soft.
too soft.

Posted by * at 11:58 PM | Permalink | Comments

Date: 11.19
Climate: Unseasonable record highs
Drinking: lots of water
Eating: sometimes Saltine crackers, sometimes nothing
Feeling: Better
Listening to: nothing, really
Watching: bad TV///
Reading: The Bell Jar/Wall Street Journal

So its been a day since my last post...in that time, i watched the entire Godfather trilogy from start to finish...this is what being sick will drive you to--like how I watched The Bachellor finale tonight...it was funny really, when you deconstruct just how serious people take themselves to be. I can't believe that its really that easy to find your "soul mate" as determined by ABC...crazy stuff.
The doctor has advised that I am on the mend...I feel a bit better, more like myself. I have been drinking lot of water and started eating solids today--had an odd, odd, unhealthy craving for Count Chocula cereal, so I of course went out and bought some, it was good...

Remember Boo Berry Cereal? I think they all come from the same mother.

Anyway, my disposition hasn't changed but I have learned to just make do with what is given...who knows what this year will bring...maybe i'll try my hand at the TAL internship again...tough to say.

I am going home next week for a week. My mother's surgery, seeing friends, my dad...sans my little brother who will still be in Denmark. However, when asked by my father what he intended to do in Denmark on this very American holiday, he said, and I quote (per usual) "I don't know...maybe i'll volunteer at a homeless shelter here..."
and he wants to join the navy?
Such a peculiar time to want to join...if its structure he craves, why not missionary work (as much of a bad rep as it has in some circles) or just something other than a realm that could, feasibly in some time, send him to Iraq, with the rest of our tax dollars...
its tough to say.

I will miss him alot over this Turkey time...family is such an odd solar system. I just hope he navigates his way back home for Easter, since Christmas is his holiday in Hawaii.

Posted by * at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

Date: Still 11.17
Climate: turning cold and grey and rainy
Drinking: --
Eating: --
Feeling: really fucking sad.
Listening to: --
Watching: Everything somewhat fall apart
Reading: my old college paper online.

Well if the last line is any indicator of why I feel so shitty, never mind the entry prior to this, I need'nt say much below...

After looking at the revamped college newspaper web site that I contracted as one of my last editorial maneuveurs, I feel really sad. Shaken.
I guess its not the lacking profound ground in which I say this but the finesse in which this concept has finally worked its way into my conscious: I simply long for an identity.
As much as I had that at school, I loathed it and loved it: I was someone with a very distinct role who was good at it.
I hated the suffocating nature of the school but it was what shaped the identity I clung to.
I see myself in every part of that newspaper, still: the Culture section--the content, the choices, the freaking name -- atmosphere reviews, more Chicago content, smaller shows, edgier reviews, even the freaking style...its like my own.
The editorial page: the way the paper is set up to take on the bullshit hierarchy of EC///the columns to the editorial == prior to me, it was all fed from Lehmann hall and out onto the page: now, I actually see student voice...

And I really think that I enacted all of that. Or at least instigated it to a point where it is where it is today....
and yet, I wouldn't go back. Not in a second. In fact, I was downright scoffing at the petty nature of the complaints the paper wrote about: meal plans, still? Leader restructuring, violation of free press, same old usual suspects with their same old diatribes? SGA what?
The same sports teams winning, the same ones losing?

The same the same the same...and I am not.
Its like everything I did stayed the same or improved, and the locale I loathed just stayed stagnant and crappy...and yet, I resemble nothing that I a) wanted to and b) did at one time...
I wanted to get to the city to become anonymous: and I love that I am, that I blend. But I wanted that with the plans and the identity I had set out to carve for myself in this big mass of people. Now, with everything changing, everything failing, I find myself even more lost, and longing for that safety net of identity ever moreso.

I really hate where I am now. And as much as I know its supposed to all happen for some "reason" I still fail to see that reason.
I simply want one thing, just one, to follow through with the execution it was born with. And not have "a reason to be mad at God"

Health...mine and my families...that out of my control. And it will always take precedence. I just don't know when my "future" as I was to know it is going to happen.
(thats all the wallowing i'll do from now on, I promise...cause I know, it could always be worse.)

Posted by * at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments

Date: 11.17
Climate: oddly warm
Drinking: water
Eating: nothing
Feeling: lethargy
Listening to: my boyfriend's snoring
Me: "Eddie. You're too loud. Snoring." (punches pillow at four am)
Him: Suddenly alert..."I don't snore. I breathe heavily. Its true." (Promptly falls asleep)
Watching: My weight drop
Reading: want ads and discharge papers.

After two days in the hospital and three ER visits, I am back home.
I feel horrible.
I have a staff infection throughout my entire body. Except they don't know where to locate it. So I just keep taking the drugs that make me dizzy, have a fever off and on, and a raging head/neck ache that, accompanying my nausea and vomiting, makes me feel like I have contracted the plague or west nile or something, maybe both.... Either way, my blood cultures are coming back positive...not good, especially since, due to the incredibly small size of my veins (no joke) I got stuck with a needle for ONE I V line eight, yes, eight times. My hands and arms look as though I suddenly developed a heroin addiction. They're all bruised.

Due to the fact that I have missed two LSAT classes, and that the medication that I have to take to flush this thing out makes me dizzy and disoriented, hence concentration is like a joke, I am not at all prepared for this exam which is like two weeks away. And you can't just take it and then take it again...they average the score.
So...
Law school has been put on hold for another year. I cried and moped about. Tried to figure out the "why's" of it all.
But its maddening and the whole, "just accept it and use it as an advantage and not a disadvantage" theme song is running through my conscious.
Its really sad though.
What the fuck am I going to do for a year.
hello internships? I just don't know...

I am flying home next week, for Thanksgiving and to take care of my mother who has yet another surgery on December third.

Great. More health news to come...at least I am not contagious. And it was nice to have someone take care of me for once...two people really...and more positive bullshit to try to outweight the overcoming negativity....eh, i'm trying.

Posted by * at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments