Date: Still 11.17
Climate: turning cold and grey and rainy
Drinking: --
Eating: --
Feeling: really fucking sad.
Listening to: --
Watching: Everything somewhat fall apart
Reading: my old college paper online.
Well if the last line is any indicator of why I feel so shitty, never mind the entry prior to this, I need'nt say much below...
After looking at the revamped college newspaper web site that I contracted as one of my last editorial maneuveurs, I feel really sad. Shaken.
I guess its not the lacking profound ground in which I say this but the finesse in which this concept has finally worked its way into my conscious: I simply long for an identity.
As much as I had that at school, I loathed it and loved it: I was someone with a very distinct role who was good at it.
I hated the suffocating nature of the school but it was what shaped the identity I clung to.
I see myself in every part of that newspaper, still: the Culture section--the content, the choices, the freaking name -- atmosphere reviews, more Chicago content, smaller shows, edgier reviews, even the freaking style...its like my own.
The editorial page: the way the paper is set up to take on the bullshit hierarchy of EC///the columns to the editorial == prior to me, it was all fed from Lehmann hall and out onto the page: now, I actually see student voice...
And I really think that I enacted all of that. Or at least instigated it to a point where it is where it is today....
and yet, I wouldn't go back. Not in a second. In fact, I was downright scoffing at the petty nature of the complaints the paper wrote about: meal plans, still? Leader restructuring, violation of free press, same old usual suspects with their same old diatribes? SGA what?
The same sports teams winning, the same ones losing?
The same the same the same...and I am not.
Its like everything I did stayed the same or improved, and the locale I loathed just stayed stagnant and crappy...and yet, I resemble nothing that I a) wanted to and b) did at one time...
I wanted to get to the city to become anonymous: and I love that I am, that I blend. But I wanted that with the plans and the identity I had set out to carve for myself in this big mass of people. Now, with everything changing, everything failing, I find myself even more lost, and longing for that safety net of identity ever moreso.
I really hate where I am now. And as much as I know its supposed to all happen for some "reason" I still fail to see that reason.
I simply want one thing, just one, to follow through with the execution it was born with. And not have "a reason to be mad at God"
Health...mine and my families...that out of my control. And it will always take precedence. I just don't know when my "future" as I was to know it is going to happen.
(thats all the wallowing i'll do from now on, I promise...cause I know, it could always be worse.)
Climate: turning cold and grey and rainy
Drinking: --
Eating: --
Feeling: really fucking sad.
Listening to: --
Watching: Everything somewhat fall apart
Reading: my old college paper online.
Well if the last line is any indicator of why I feel so shitty, never mind the entry prior to this, I need'nt say much below...
After looking at the revamped college newspaper web site that I contracted as one of my last editorial maneuveurs, I feel really sad. Shaken.
I guess its not the lacking profound ground in which I say this but the finesse in which this concept has finally worked its way into my conscious: I simply long for an identity.
As much as I had that at school, I loathed it and loved it: I was someone with a very distinct role who was good at it.
I hated the suffocating nature of the school but it was what shaped the identity I clung to.
I see myself in every part of that newspaper, still: the Culture section--the content, the choices, the freaking name -- atmosphere reviews, more Chicago content, smaller shows, edgier reviews, even the freaking style...its like my own.
The editorial page: the way the paper is set up to take on the bullshit hierarchy of EC///the columns to the editorial == prior to me, it was all fed from Lehmann hall and out onto the page: now, I actually see student voice...
And I really think that I enacted all of that. Or at least instigated it to a point where it is where it is today....
and yet, I wouldn't go back. Not in a second. In fact, I was downright scoffing at the petty nature of the complaints the paper wrote about: meal plans, still? Leader restructuring, violation of free press, same old usual suspects with their same old diatribes? SGA what?
The same sports teams winning, the same ones losing?
The same the same the same...and I am not.
Its like everything I did stayed the same or improved, and the locale I loathed just stayed stagnant and crappy...and yet, I resemble nothing that I a) wanted to and b) did at one time...
I wanted to get to the city to become anonymous: and I love that I am, that I blend. But I wanted that with the plans and the identity I had set out to carve for myself in this big mass of people. Now, with everything changing, everything failing, I find myself even more lost, and longing for that safety net of identity ever moreso.
I really hate where I am now. And as much as I know its supposed to all happen for some "reason" I still fail to see that reason.
I simply want one thing, just one, to follow through with the execution it was born with. And not have "a reason to be mad at God"
Health...mine and my families...that out of my control. And it will always take precedence. I just don't know when my "future" as I was to know it is going to happen.
(thats all the wallowing i'll do from now on, I promise...cause I know, it could always be worse.)