postgraduationhaze

The" of course " Entry
Date: 1.10.04
Climate: slushie
Eating: no food in the apartment
Drinking: htwooh
Feeling: the same.
Listening to: my car battery refusing to turn over
Watching: nothing
Reading: lights flash inside my car.
The car won't start.
It lights up
nothing.

fuck.

Posted by * at 1:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

The" Wouldn't It Be Nice" Entry
Date:"The same shit, yes today was like today, the only difference is I trust even less of what you say."
Climate: Hibernate
Eating:--
Drinking:--
Feeling: Meh.
Listening to:--
Watching:--
Reading:--

So its like entry three today. I suppose that just goes to show that I don't have any real friends to listen/talk to, so I type type type into the great beyond for solace.
How pathetic...I know. But it serves its purpose I guess.
This entry is to all those who may ever feel inclined to be spontaneously nice to me. I am a simple girl.
With simple needs.
I just want a healthy family and a job.
But for now, neither seem to be happening.
This is what I would ahve liked to have happened tonight. Just once. For one person, a friend, whoever, to stop whatever they're doing. Altogether. Without me telling them to or anything. And to listen to me and respond with meaning and character and not just standard Hallmark greetings. And for them, because they should really know me if I am divulging this crap to them (and yes I do see the irony in writing all this here), to come to me and for me not to have to whore myself out for people to show me something. This sounds like a bad personal ad/fantasy date but I have nothing left here, let alone pride. Anyone who wants my ambition can also buy that off the prix fix menu. Sommelier says it right in season.

Posted by * at 9:04 PM | Permalink

The "Since When Is Ambition a Bad Thing?" Entry (courtesy of Rob)
Date: Still Friday...
Climate: Like my mood: icy
Eating: Lifesavers
Drinking: Gatorade
Feeling: sartre
Listening to: This American Life, LIVING WITHOUT (how f-ing appropriate is that?)
Watching: my hair grow
Reading: Washington Post's classifieds

I'm fairly confident that I didn't get the job.
I recieved no phone call today.
Unless she's really stressing about this into Saturday, I am still unemployed.

I have really hit rock bottom. I do remember her saying something about "my ambition, and how that could turn around and hurt 'them' in the end, if they chose me."
I just don't know anymore. I need to start lying on my resume, or withhold information that may allow them to see me as someone who actually gives a damn about their life and may not always want to work in the administrative assitant field, the field that is selfishly holding out my toe hold.
Damnit all.

Plus, a friend who bailed on me today...on a day where, to be honest, I kinda needed him.

But its okay. I'm fine. I just sat in my room and listented to wuss rock all evening. Its a good thing I was without alcohol, or i'd be drinking alone.

To add insult to injury, today I went, with my new ATM card sent to me, to withdraw my rent (its late due to the robbery) and the fucking machine ate my card.
I called my mom.
Who called the bank.

Oops, they had forgotten to change the account, so I just got another card to an account I had shut down, so the machine thought I was the thief, and like all good robots, just ate it up without question or comment.
What the hell. Could anything else go wrong? Could it?

Its only been a week or so since the whole debacle so I don't have a) a checkbook b) active credit card.
I am completely without anything because someone TOOK it from me. Thanks again, to whoever pirated my booty.

But the bank felt bad so they're overnighting a new card to me. If the postal service does its job, I should have it tomorrow.

But you know, why bother even thinking things will go right? Because NOTHING has lately.

I applied for three jobs in DC today. California is next on my list.

Posted by * at 7:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

The "Well What Do You Want Me To Do?" Entry
Date: 1.09.04
Climate: haven't ventured out yet
Eating: still digesting last nights indulgence of carbs
Drinking: Chai
Feeling: Anxious
Listening to: my fingers type
Watching: twenty eight days later
Reading: parts of my book

I still haven't heard back.
I went in full of confidence yesterday, and I can tell she really -- they really, like me.
She kept saying so. Said I was top two.
Who is this other girl? My nemesis. I really doubt she needs this job as much as me--but then again, you never know. I just...
I really need/want this. Especially after yesterday. I really like the women in the office; very nice environment for someone of my nature. So we'll see...but today is going to kill me.

I watched twenty eight days later last night, and it was just HORRIBLE. What the hell was all that hype about? Due to the overwhelming cult following that had developed, I assumed it was going to be a good movie.
But it was poorly acted.
The story sucked.
The ENDING was even worse. (I mean, really. Yes, live in your small bit of Utopia now that you've seen how civilization can be so ugly; live like you were never a part of it, that THAT wasn't what you were running towards all along, in some ways.)
The direction, well, Boyle was great at letting it be freakishly grotesque and scary...but not much else. I would have preferred to see the world actually tear itself apart. And I knew the "infected" were reacting out of the rage from the monkeys, but why did they have to attack the living again? Sustinence? It was like lord of the flies in adult form, and I didn't like how obvious it was: turning savage (shirtlesss, blood in teeth and mouth, looking at women as sole baby givers and nothing else) to get civilized again. It was just way to obvious. Give the viewer a little more credit.

NO IDEA What the hype was all about. AT all. Unless these are the same people who think Chasing Liberty is the next Oscar contender.

I didn't like it.

....Still waiting by the phone.:(

Posted by * at 10:52 AM | Permalink | Comments

The "Fish or Cut Bait" Entry

Date: 1.07.04
Climate: Cold
Eating: apples and carrots
Drinking: Chai Tea
Feeling: NERVOUS
Listening to: Lauryn Hill, old skool
Watching: The West Wing
Reading: what I have written thus far in my "book"

Tomorrow I have the final interview for the law firm.
I am so nervous I feel like I have to run to the bathroom every five minutes.
I can't drink anything else or tomorrow I may really have a problem.

Tonight I watched the west wing -- once again, I pondered how many Americans really believe that it is real. Like glorified CSPAN.
I've also decided that my new motto is "fish or cut bait" with my life.
From now on, all mottos, all the time.

If I don't get a job in the next month and a half, I am moving to DC or California. NO joke. Chicago just isn't doing it for me. And if my boyfriend and I don't last, well, then it wasn't meant to be.

I can't afford to keep trying at a game where the odds are so fucking stacked against me. And that applies to everything.

I may sound down and out but today was another glorious day which no one really cared to listen to. So i'll just internalize it and wake up energized to feel that sinking anchor of failure float to the bottom of my stomach and morale, simultaneously, again.

Posted by * at 12:16 AM | Permalink | Comments

The "lets listen to the Democrats fuck themselves over, AGAIN" entry

Date: The day of the interview
Climate: Sun and chill
Eating:--
Drinking: coffee
Feeling: uncertain about my partisanship
Listening to: The Democratic candidates on NPR
Watching: --
Reading: The Wall Street Journal

The democrats sound horrific. Tax cut plans (that have to be voted on by a Republican house and senate?), the outrage of the current administration (ho hum)...
Governor Dean and his "promises" (homeland security, fight against aids, more money in education...I really don't know what world he lives in).

What are we missing here?

General Wesley Clark.
I went to a campaign meeting for him last night. I am all about helping him with this nomination, and I really think that, more than anything, he has the most capability to win this fight--We are still in red scare patriotism America, and Bush has allowed American's to live in fear out of anger, and regardless of how incorrect I feel this is, it is what the bulk of Americans seem to want, overall--they may doubt his means, his motives, and his overall results, but the bottom line is people are safe and still scared and they won't vote for a DRAFT DODGER like Dean who has no military knowledge whatsoever. They'll respond the way they did after 9/11 when people were still up in arms about the S. Courts ruling for Bush, yet were most happy with his being Commander in Chief, as they just didn't view Gore as a true leader: They just don't think light weight Democrats can serve our national security interest, plain and simple.

Althought Clark's resume reads like a fantastic secretary of state, he can espouse position papers similar to the other candidates, full of idealism and promise and optimism...but like I said earlier, that won't happen with just his signature. The state of the government remains largely in Republican, conservative hands, and truth be told, that type of idealism and liberal programming can be created out of nothing: a believable and trustworthy military background, regardless of my personal feelings on the whole subject, just cannot.

And yet Dean still leads. Frightening.

Many people who are Democrats say that Clinton was the only Republican that they ever voted for, and I do believe that many people would vote for him again; lets not forget that NO democratic nominee has EVER been successful WITHOUT the support of the South, which Clark has and Dean doesn't.
If Dean continues on this freakish lead to win the nomination, we may as well say Hello to yet another four years underneath the first American dictator we have ever had.

Goddamnit.

Posted by * at 1:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

The "You Can Use A Kitchen Utensil For Nearly Any Household Dillemma" entry

Date: Hello New Year
Climate: sun and snow. Lots of it
Eating: =
Drinking: H2O
Feeling: egh.
Listening to: Diana Krall
Watching: Snow falling
Reading: Franny and Zooey


In the rush of trying to move during my last cross city transplant, I hastily shoved one of my two stereos on a much too small box, and threw it into the back of the Uhaul.
When I finally got settled, I found that the stereo was indeed broken. I was saddened, as it was my "favorite" with disc changer and everything. I have used it for radio purposes since then, as the CD tray just will not open.
For the past two months, I have periodically held it upside down, shook it violently, banged it up against walls, cursed and kicked it.
Its stubborn and wouldn't budge. Jammed like nothing else, it made this sad little purring noise as it attempted to open, and would sooner than later read "error" on the screen. I could see my CD's sliding around, but the tray refused to let them escape. I clawed at the "see thru" panel, trying to will them to overpower the tray and slide on out into my hands. But to no avail.

Having not utlized the stereo for its practical purpose for now three months, as well as having lost the three CD's inside (Diana Krall, Hooverphonic, and Ella Fitzgerald), I decided I would have to get crafty.
I grabbed a butter knife from the kitchen.
Sat on the ground with the stereo base in front of me
And shoved the knife in the tray, while holding it upside down.

Nothing.

In a fit of rage, I placed my hand on the base of the knife after jamming it in good and tight.
I placed my left hand over my right.
And with brute force hammered down on the knife and the tray POPPED open.

<----I fly to the left!
---->the cd's fly out!

And the tray opens calmly. It sat there, staring at me. Empty.

As if to say "Defeated"

And I lay there with the knife in my hand, the CDs laying around me, as if to say "Victorious."

Finally.

Me:1
Technology:0

Now, I am enjoying the fruits of my labor...and the stereo works again too, even though its a little defaced from my efforts.

Posted by * at 2:23 PM | Permalink | Comments