From VICE
...That makes a great header and everything, but there's actually way more categories than that. There's "weird-race" babies, which are like Persian, Pakistani, or half Native American and half white, or whatever. Then there's all the Asia countries and…well, that's about it besides blacks and whites. A lot of rap and funk songs will try to convince you there's races like blue and red because they're trying to make statements about how frivolous racism is, and that's fine and everything, but the only blue babies you're ever going to see in real life are in a dumpster, and the only red baby I've ever seen is when Rainman put Tom Cruise in the hot tub and kept yelling, "Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!" Anyhoo, let's break it down.
WEIRD-RACE BABIES
These ones are fucking cute because you can't tell what they're going to be. Will she grow up to be a mind-blowing babe, or will she end up looking like that weird humanimal dude that devoted his life to looking like a cat? A lot of mixed-race couples will even make love to each other just to see what the baby will turn out as. It's weird.
ASIA BABIES
These guys fucking KILL IT when they get to be about three years old. Good luck competing with them, especially if they're twins. This little guy isn't exactly destroying us, but when he gets some little red cords on and helps his sister with something, you are going to shit yourself.
BLACK BABIES
It's hard to compete with black babies because they've got that fuzz head thing that usually blows everyone else away. Throw in some huge eyelashes and some chubby cheeks, and you're basically looking at a cartoon bug.
WHITE BABIES
These are an acquired taste. They're not cute like a bug and they don't have big black eyes like the other races, but they have something happening in a "funny little man" way. Like, if you were to put a suit on this guy and sit him behind a desk, you could almost hear him saying, "Jennifer, I like you. We all do. But you have to understand, General Motors is about teamwork and if you can't learn to hand in your purchase orders with the rest of your team I'm not sure we can keep you on here." He's literally a tiny dad.
...That makes a great header and everything, but there's actually way more categories than that. There's "weird-race" babies, which are like Persian, Pakistani, or half Native American and half white, or whatever. Then there's all the Asia countries and…well, that's about it besides blacks and whites. A lot of rap and funk songs will try to convince you there's races like blue and red because they're trying to make statements about how frivolous racism is, and that's fine and everything, but the only blue babies you're ever going to see in real life are in a dumpster, and the only red baby I've ever seen is when Rainman put Tom Cruise in the hot tub and kept yelling, "Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!" Anyhoo, let's break it down.
WEIRD-RACE BABIES
These ones are fucking cute because you can't tell what they're going to be. Will she grow up to be a mind-blowing babe, or will she end up looking like that weird humanimal dude that devoted his life to looking like a cat? A lot of mixed-race couples will even make love to each other just to see what the baby will turn out as. It's weird.
ASIA BABIES
These guys fucking KILL IT when they get to be about three years old. Good luck competing with them, especially if they're twins. This little guy isn't exactly destroying us, but when he gets some little red cords on and helps his sister with something, you are going to shit yourself.
BLACK BABIES
It's hard to compete with black babies because they've got that fuzz head thing that usually blows everyone else away. Throw in some huge eyelashes and some chubby cheeks, and you're basically looking at a cartoon bug.
WHITE BABIES
These are an acquired taste. They're not cute like a bug and they don't have big black eyes like the other races, but they have something happening in a "funny little man" way. Like, if you were to put a suit on this guy and sit him behind a desk, you could almost hear him saying, "Jennifer, I like you. We all do. But you have to understand, General Motors is about teamwork and if you can't learn to hand in your purchase orders with the rest of your team I'm not sure we can keep you on here." He's literally a tiny dad.