The" Make this Fathers Day a Swiss Army Fathers Day " Entry (I saw that on a sign in Royal Oak. It amused me, as if thats such an obvious option)
Date: 8 June...eddie is gone away
Climate: HOT which = Cherie starts her running again:)
Eating: I threw up yellow acid from nothing this morning...
Drinking: water
Feeling: tired
Listening to: Mirah (so emo)
Watching: Today morning show (I know, I know)
Reading: IM
I love that when I search for the band No Knife (Better Looking), I get results that include Mack the Knife. I remember when I used to read the Babysitters Club books back in the day, and Stacy sang that in a talent show. I was so impressed. I didn't think anyone but my mom and Frank Sinatra knew that song...anyway.
Today is perfect running weather. I can't really explain it but from the beginning of time, I have absolutely loved to run when the heat index is above 90 degrees.
I think this is primarily due to the training I did when I ran Cross in high school...see, we'd train at 7am and also at 3pm...hills or pick up intervals usually at that time. My body got used to running hard when the sun beat violently down on your body, and since I was a relatively good runner in high school (5:39 mile run*), I suppose I connect heat with success.
Anyway, so due to my overwhelming urge to start this running, today is the day.
I am actually in my running gear now, sports bra and everything. I love that i get away with that in this office. I suppose this is also due to the fact that I am relatively quirky compared to my coworkers.
For instance, last night after work, Eddie came and picked me up, and we walked around Royal Oak and ate some burritos and ice cream, and walked over to a fountain, where we were tossing a penny in for a wish.
Suddenly he reached for yet another penny, which is against my wish rule book, since I think you only should get one a visit (stingy, I know), and I hollered "No! Only one!" and I hear almost instantaneously "Hello Cherie."
Oh..."Hi...Lon."
The MI ACT director who, and lets just get the record straight here, sorta scares me. He was pounding up and down the halls today talking about the voter file and it was shaking my desk, no joke. Anyway. He sorta smiled as I was hunched over the fountain, attempting to grab one cent from Eddie, so he didn't make another wish. It was just sorta embarassing, really.
Anyway, so its no matter to them when I show up in my orange Evanston Sailing Club shirt and running shorts with flip flops. I actually do sail, but not usually in Evanston. Anyway.
So Royal Oak last night. Eddie recounted a story where he was sitting outside on a bench, waiting for me to resurface with directions for him to get back to the hotel, when a man came out of Goombah's, this pizza joint across the way, and he approaches Eddie and points the to the Help Wanted sign. Eddie just sorta looks at him or behind him or something when the man points again to the sign and asks "Miguel?"
I mean, seriously. He was laughing and I thought it was funny too but it sparked up that whole issue again of my identity...of being adopted but having white parents, of people trying to insist that I don't know "my culture" even though they would never say that to any other average white person walking down the street...how Eddie can be American with a latin culture be/c his parents are latin and he has that support system...and how I feel judged by my race, when I feel no affinity to it whatsoever...how people perceive asian women especially, how the only asian celebrities that I know in existence operate within the porn industry...and how fed up I am of having to "teach" people about what it means to be adopted when you're like 1 after being in an orphanage (can't believe they still have those, but again, I am conjuring up Annie type of references), being raised in small town Minnesota, when the rest of your family is white, and how you're expected to be able to balance it all with a big fucking smile on your face. I can't tell you of how many white and black men have approached me and asked, "No speak English?" And then I get reprimanded for yelling and cussing back.And then people tell me to just chill out and not let it affect me. Are you kidding me?
I do envy people with a culture that is strong and certain, like Eddie I suppose...but I would be lying if I didn't say that every day for quite some time, and sometimes still today, I woke up wishing that my skin would turn white, my hair blonde, and that I would actually begin to resemble my "background and family" which is small town MN, primarily Swedish (we even had that wooden horse as a statue in our city park) so that I could stop fighting this identity crisis. If my parents were Asian (and then I always get those idiots who gently try to awaken me to the fact that I am adopted by saying..."well, they kinda are, you know." That always makes me want to scream "Have you been listening? At all? Have you? NO.") this wouldn't be an issue, it'd just the whole adoption-my-first-year-is-documented-as-a-number-and-not-any-real-love-or-identity thing...not that + this.
This I poured out to Eddie last night in tears. He handled it perfectly as usual...making me even more sad to see him go this morning. He always knows what to say, do, and touch upon when I get this way...its the second time I have dumped this on him. He says he just wishes I saw how beautiful I am...I know he's sincere but that just doesn't help much, and I have told him that...there is nothing he can do, really, and I hope he knows that by just being there, its enough.
It all makes me really melancholy and sad and depressed. Its like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, and as much as I can hear a "just get over it and deal with it argument" I still resent the fact that this is so hard and I feel so alone in it. And its not like i haven't done my research but knowing that other people feel this way doesn't help me much...and reading books and articles just affirms that I do, yes, feel this way and I just have to grow and learn and get past it blah blah blah...I don't know what I want really, but being able to resemble what you actually are would help...sorta like those men that become women and vice versa. Not to sound scary but I sorta understand where they are coming from.
Date: 8 June...eddie is gone away
Climate: HOT which = Cherie starts her running again:)
Eating: I threw up yellow acid from nothing this morning...
Drinking: water
Feeling: tired
Listening to: Mirah (so emo)
Watching: Today morning show (I know, I know)
Reading: IM
I love that when I search for the band No Knife (Better Looking), I get results that include Mack the Knife. I remember when I used to read the Babysitters Club books back in the day, and Stacy sang that in a talent show. I was so impressed. I didn't think anyone but my mom and Frank Sinatra knew that song...anyway.
Today is perfect running weather. I can't really explain it but from the beginning of time, I have absolutely loved to run when the heat index is above 90 degrees.
I think this is primarily due to the training I did when I ran Cross in high school...see, we'd train at 7am and also at 3pm...hills or pick up intervals usually at that time. My body got used to running hard when the sun beat violently down on your body, and since I was a relatively good runner in high school (5:39 mile run*), I suppose I connect heat with success.
Anyway, so due to my overwhelming urge to start this running, today is the day.
I am actually in my running gear now, sports bra and everything. I love that i get away with that in this office. I suppose this is also due to the fact that I am relatively quirky compared to my coworkers.
For instance, last night after work, Eddie came and picked me up, and we walked around Royal Oak and ate some burritos and ice cream, and walked over to a fountain, where we were tossing a penny in for a wish.
Suddenly he reached for yet another penny, which is against my wish rule book, since I think you only should get one a visit (stingy, I know), and I hollered "No! Only one!" and I hear almost instantaneously "Hello Cherie."
Oh..."Hi...Lon."
The MI ACT director who, and lets just get the record straight here, sorta scares me. He was pounding up and down the halls today talking about the voter file and it was shaking my desk, no joke. Anyway. He sorta smiled as I was hunched over the fountain, attempting to grab one cent from Eddie, so he didn't make another wish. It was just sorta embarassing, really.
Anyway, so its no matter to them when I show up in my orange Evanston Sailing Club shirt and running shorts with flip flops. I actually do sail, but not usually in Evanston. Anyway.
So Royal Oak last night. Eddie recounted a story where he was sitting outside on a bench, waiting for me to resurface with directions for him to get back to the hotel, when a man came out of Goombah's, this pizza joint across the way, and he approaches Eddie and points the to the Help Wanted sign. Eddie just sorta looks at him or behind him or something when the man points again to the sign and asks "Miguel?"
I mean, seriously. He was laughing and I thought it was funny too but it sparked up that whole issue again of my identity...of being adopted but having white parents, of people trying to insist that I don't know "my culture" even though they would never say that to any other average white person walking down the street...how Eddie can be American with a latin culture be/c his parents are latin and he has that support system...and how I feel judged by my race, when I feel no affinity to it whatsoever...how people perceive asian women especially, how the only asian celebrities that I know in existence operate within the porn industry...and how fed up I am of having to "teach" people about what it means to be adopted when you're like 1 after being in an orphanage (can't believe they still have those, but again, I am conjuring up Annie type of references), being raised in small town Minnesota, when the rest of your family is white, and how you're expected to be able to balance it all with a big fucking smile on your face. I can't tell you of how many white and black men have approached me and asked, "No speak English?" And then I get reprimanded for yelling and cussing back.And then people tell me to just chill out and not let it affect me. Are you kidding me?
I do envy people with a culture that is strong and certain, like Eddie I suppose...but I would be lying if I didn't say that every day for quite some time, and sometimes still today, I woke up wishing that my skin would turn white, my hair blonde, and that I would actually begin to resemble my "background and family" which is small town MN, primarily Swedish (we even had that wooden horse as a statue in our city park) so that I could stop fighting this identity crisis. If my parents were Asian (and then I always get those idiots who gently try to awaken me to the fact that I am adopted by saying..."well, they kinda are, you know." That always makes me want to scream "Have you been listening? At all? Have you? NO.") this wouldn't be an issue, it'd just the whole adoption-my-first-year-is-documented-as-a-number-and-not-any-real-love-or-identity thing...not that + this.
This I poured out to Eddie last night in tears. He handled it perfectly as usual...making me even more sad to see him go this morning. He always knows what to say, do, and touch upon when I get this way...its the second time I have dumped this on him. He says he just wishes I saw how beautiful I am...I know he's sincere but that just doesn't help much, and I have told him that...there is nothing he can do, really, and I hope he knows that by just being there, its enough.
It all makes me really melancholy and sad and depressed. Its like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon, and as much as I can hear a "just get over it and deal with it argument" I still resent the fact that this is so hard and I feel so alone in it. And its not like i haven't done my research but knowing that other people feel this way doesn't help me much...and reading books and articles just affirms that I do, yes, feel this way and I just have to grow and learn and get past it blah blah blah...I don't know what I want really, but being able to resemble what you actually are would help...sorta like those men that become women and vice versa. Not to sound scary but I sorta understand where they are coming from.